Read a Damn Book, Dumb Ass

One luxury of my current position is that I am able to read during work hours.  When the study hall students are all well-behaved and studious, I just sit and read, and I love it!  This may possibly be the best part of my job. I also read voraciously in front of my students in order to serve as a positive role model.  Reading is incredibly important, and a large population of our youth has discarded this activity and replaced it with video games and social media.   

Earlier this year I had a student inform me, “I read enough, Mrs. Ryan.  I always read status updates on facebook.  I don’t need to read no books.” 

While I was encouraging and non-judgmental externally, internally I was thinking, “Shit, this kid is a moron.” 

 

Okay; I will admit that I am a literary snob.  I tried reading Twilight when it was popular; I really, really did, but it was truly insufferable.  I’m thankful that the Suzanne Collin’s Hunger Games trilogy is actually an engaging read, and am far more pleased with the popularity of this series.  Katniss Everdeen is hands down a better role model than Bella Swan. 

In order to relate to my students and make appropriate reading recommendations, I can often be spotted reading young adult literature, though of a higher caliber than Stephanie Meyer.  I hold John Green as the nerd-fighting king of YA Literature; his writing is fantastic and he’s definitely a favorite.  One of my strongest arguments in favor of reading is that it allows us to feel connected.  We know we are not alone when we relate to a character – actual or fictional.  Further, reading enhances critical thinking, vocabulary, and empathy.  It expands our world view and grants us a greater understanding of different cultures and time periods. 

 

NOT Zelda Fitzgerald!

My current reading selection is a biography of Zelda Fitzgerald, as opposed to the YA choices I usually read while at the high school.  Nancy Milford’s Zelda is a thorough, engaging, and brilliantly composed biography.  While it’s unlikely I would recommend this book to any current student, I also did not expect the following question: “Zelda? What are you reading Mrs. Ryan? Is that book about the Legend of Zelda? Like the video game?”

 I couldn’t subdue my amusement and thus laughed out loud at his question.  I didn’t know who Zelda Fitzgerald was at age fifteen either, but I probably would not have assumed that the book with a faded sepia photo of a young debutante gracing the cover was about a Nintendo fantasy game franchise.  So, after my unsuppressed chuckle, I explained, “No, it’s a biography of Zelda Fitzgerald – wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the author of The Great Gatsby.”

As The Great Gatsby was a major motion picture release starring Leonardo Dicaprio just this year, I thought there might be at least a slight hint of recognition regarding my response.  Rather, the student then replied, “Well, who the hell are those people?”

 His response is just one more reason reading matters – so that one possesses a basic cultural and academic knowledge and doesn’t say dumb ass shit to his or her teacher.  Please, parents, make sure your children read! That kid might have known just who the hell the Fitzgeralds were if he put down the remote control and picked up a damn book every once in a while.

Dear Self-Doubt ,

Dear Self-Doubt,

Nailed it! I finished National Blog Post Month, so suck it you bitch.

Love, Angela

 

End of Post.

Rich and Hot: Your Questions Answered

Earlier this month, I asked for help on facebook in order to finish out National Blog Post Month.  I had friends and followers send me questions they would like answered about me.  Here, I chose my ten favorite questions and provide the responses.  Thanks so much to those of you who participated.  I’m still in a turkey coma and could not have written another creative, inspired post today.

1.       How do you manage stress?

 

Wine. Lots of wine.  I also love my Jacuzzi tub for long hot baths with a good book.

 

2.       What is your favorite book and why?

 My favorite book is The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck.  I just fell in love with this story and the writing.  I developed true empathy for Wang Lung and his family.  It’s such a well-told piece of historical fiction; it’s one of the few books that actually made me cry.  I went into mourning for some time after this I finished reading this book; I did not want it to end.  Having said that, however, I believe the best book ever written is Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird.  Every individual should read this book and try to emulate Atticus Finch.

 

 

      3.       What is the cutest thing your child has ever said?  

My daughter has said an abundance of cute and hysterical things.  She cracks me up on a daily basis. I think the sweetest thing she probably ever said, though, was when I said to her one morning, “Emily, you are so cute. How did you get so cute?”  She shrugged her shoulders and then I said, “Did you get so cute from Momma?”  She replied, “No, from Jesus.”  That just melted my heart.

4.       What is your perfect afternoon?

I’m going to refer to some of the above here and include wine and books.  The perfect afternoon is a warm summer day on my deck with a good book and good wine, with the birds chirping, the flowers smelling sweetly, and my dog lying on top of my feet. Perfection.

5.       If you had a movie made of your life, who would you cast as you?

      My old standard response was Winona Ryder; I was often told we looked alike.  Further, when I just now asked my husband, his response was also Ryder.   When the film She’s All That came out, I saw it in the theaters and some teen girl came up to me afterwards and said, “Hey, you look just like the girl in the movie before she got hot,” so I suppose Rachel Leigh Cook might be an option as well. I like Megan Mullally because she could pull off my personality, but she’s a bit too old now, so it would have to be time machine Mullally of twenty years ago to have the right look too.  I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this.  When I once took an online quiz matching my appearance to celebrities, I was told I most resemble Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees, so there’s that too. It's the dimples.   

6.       How do you think your high school peers would have described you?

Oh, Angela? Yeah, she’s kind of weird, isn’t she?  I don’t know if she’s supposed to be hippy or grunge or what. She looks like Blossom with all those crazy hats.  I’m pretty sure she gets high all the time, but I think she’s like super smart.  

For the record, I did not get high all the time.  In fact, I got high never while in high school; I just dressed strange – I kind of wanted to be Courtney Love (yeah,  WTF?).  If any of my high school peers actually read this, I would love to hear your perspective on this one too.  Is my description accurate? If not, how would you have described me?

 

7.       If you hadn’t studied English Education, what other major would you have pursued in college?

This is easy.  The answer is definitely psychology.  I briefly flirted with a major change, but I was always drawn to teaching from such a young age.

8.        What color are your toe nails painted?

Purple. Of course purple. It’s my favorite.  I’m like a little kid whose lunch box and boots have to be her favorite color.  My coat is purple, my purse is purple, and my toes are purple.

9.       What is your earliest childhood memory?

It has always worried me that I really have very few memories from my early youth.  I do, however, remember scenes from kindergarten.  I remember making stone soup and having naps on colored mats back when the milk came in plastic bags even more difficult to correctly puncture than Capri Sun.  That milk packaging was just mean, and that’s what I remember.

10.   If Kaley Coucou showed up as a genie like in those Toyota commercials, what three wishes would you ask for?  

 

I know this sounds awful, but my first wish would be for money.  I just know how much financial security would benefit other areas of my life.  My husband wouldn’t be miserable because he hates his job.  I could spend more time with my children. We could travel.  We wouldn’t have to worry about paying the bills.  We could have cable again so Emily could watch Paw Patrol (she’s an addict and it’s the first thing she asks about when we go to Grandma’s). I could open my dream business with my best friend and she wouldn’t have to marry the autistic doctor who lacks empathy.  So, yes, financial security would definitely be my first wish.

 My second wish would be health for my children.  Of course I wish this anyway, but money still outranks this wish because often we gain strength from our struggles and this wish feels too much like interfering with nature.  Okay, I think I’m just justifying my money wish to myself right now.

My third wish would be to have back the body I once had.  I had a hot bod, and I didn’t appreciate it like I should have.  I don’t want to work for that body though.  I want to be able to eat nachos and cake every day and still have a hot ass and tight abs. 

 So, what did we learn from this? World peace? Nah.  I want to be rich and hot, bitches!

My Thanksgiving Wish

While today is nationally celebrated as Thanksgiving, today is also special in our household as it is my daughter’s third birthday. To make sure she has a special day all to herself, though, we will be celebrating on Saturday.  More than anything else she wants, including a Doc McStuffins doll and a live puppy (sorry kid, so not happening), she keeps informing me, “I want Paris home for my party.”  I was also told, “Guess what, Momma? Paris is my cousin, but she is also my best friend. I want Paris at my party.”
 

 I still haven’t had the heart to tell my daughter that Paris can’t make it home for her party because she’s too young to travel without her mom and we don’t get to see Aunt Kelly over the Thanksgiving holidays -- ever.  

Once my sister took a management job for a popular retail chain, that was the end of our whole family sitting around a table eating turkey and drinking cheap wine.  Black Friday became the outranking, capitalist celebration that pulled my sibling away from her family.  It has been more than five years since she has shared a table with us for Thanksgiving.  



We must buy all the things! Buy all the things!

 Despite not being able to drive the distance to be with family as she had to be ready for a seven am opening -- then a five am opening -- then a midnight opening -- at least she has been able to cook her own small feast for her immediately family.   This year, however, she must be at the store overseeing sales on Thanksgiving Day itself.  I don’t blame her employer for this decision, though.  I blame the whole of society.



 When did we decide that saving a few dollars is more important than building memories with our families?  When did we place consumerism above companionship and camaraderie?  With each passing year, it seems that more of our traditional values are tossed aside or burned up in fiery flames of greed.  Perhaps I believe this simply because I am aging.  Maybe it’s me that is changing, rather than the world about me.  I don’t believe that one bit though.  

 While change is inevitable and can often be positive, this change was avoidable and is most certainly negative. The choice to open store doors on Thanksgiving is an ugly mutation of traditional American values.  Who would rather be at a Best Buy pushing a cart through gathering crowds when she could be seated next to a warm fire with a glass of hard cider in one hand and her other hand holding onto her parent or partner?  Who would rather storm his way through the sliding glass doors of Wal-Mart for a large screen TV when he could be cheering on his favorite team with his family? Aren't we suppose to be thankful for the blessings we already have instead of trying to acquire more, more, more?

 I know not everyone has a perfect family, and most Thanksgiving memories don’t play out as they do in Butterball commercials or Lifetime movies.  I have a grandmother that will complain about all the damn dishes piling up, and I have a drunken uncle that will make inappropriate jokes and curse in front of my young kids.  Still, I would far rather have these moments than be tramping through crowded parking lots for a bargain.  Money can’t buy the things that we should really treasure most in life -- family, friends, and laughter.  I can’t buy back the sister I will be missing this Thanksgiving. 

That Furby is mine, bitch!

Most importantly to me, though, is the thought of my disappointed young daughter.  While she will be opening up a Doc McStuffins doll, she will desperately be missing her cousin and best friend.  I can’t give her the gift she most wants because our society places more value on objects than relationships. 

 I want my sister and my niece home to celebrate Thanksgiving and my daughter’s birthday, and that’s why I want you to reconsider what you most value in life.  Is your emphasis in the right place?  Should you be putting on your coat and picking up your purse, leaving your family in pursuit of a great bargain?  Or, rather – maybe, just maybe -- should you stick around until the last piece of pumpkin pie?  Should you stay and speak with your aging grandmother, even though she’s told the same stories repeatedly all afternoon? Should you eat, laugh, and be merry? That’s what I intend to do, and so my Thanksgiving wish is that you choose to make merry with your loved ones too.  Choose connections with friends and family instead of surrounding yourself with strangers in crowded stores.  If enough of us make that choice – maybe, just maybe -- we can restore what’s right and I can see my sister again.

 

I WON!!! Wait ...

“You just wait,” I told my husband defiantly and confidently, “you just wait and see.  This won’t be a waste when the fucking Prize Patrol shows up at our door, alright?”

This was my defense after he expressed his justified anger given all the money I had wasted buying junk gifts from Publisher’s Clearing House.  Earlier this year, I had myself completely convinced that we would win PCH.  I even made plans with my best friend about how we would quit our jobs and run a business together.  I would like to share my business plans because they’re totally fucking awesome, but I don’t want anyone stealing my brilliant ideas.

In order to help make this dream a reality, I began purchasing PCH items.  I bought the damn Wax-Vac, which doesn’t work worth a shit.  I bought the damn OrGreenic pan, which works just the same as any other pan, but it’s green.  I bought those damn food safe rolls too – you know, the plastic rolls with a slide cutter that make it easier to remove your Saran Wrap as if it was so complicated in the first place.  Well, it was hard for me – so lay off!!

Quite rightly so, my husband was less than pleased with my purchases and the corresponding plan of winning PCH.  But today I got to tell him, “I told you so!”

YES!!! That’s right! Can you believe it? PCH called today to inform me that I had won 2.5 million dollars!



“Hello,” the man on the line said, “Is this Angela?  Angela, we’re calling to inform you that you have won 2.5 million dollars from PCH." 

 

“Okay,” I said, a bit hesitantly.  Who could believe such good luck?  Who could believe my delusional dream was actually becoming a reality? Could it really be?

“Ma’am,” the man asked, “You have won 2.5 million dollars.  Are you not excited?” 

This Prize Patrol doesn't look Jamaican to me.
 

 

“Sure,” I said, “I’m excited if this is real.”

“Oh, yes, ma’am, this is surely real.  Let me get my manager.”

The manager then went on to inform me that I had won 2.5 million dollars from US Make a Million, and they would be delivering my check publicly, along with a camera crew, a state trooper, and a company representative within the next few hours.  All I had to do to receive my check was go to Western Union and transfer money to Marvin Bent in Trelawny, Jamaica in order to receive my wonderful prize.  Isn’t that just the best news ever? 

Yeah, I didn’t send the money.  I did, however, call my bank immediately after getting off the phone.

I dialed up my own hometown bank (not the non-existent Bank of America branch that would reportedly be delivering me a check today) and explained the situation.  I then asked, “So, could you please let me know if everything with my checking and savings accounts looks okay?” 

She kindly obliged, informing me, “Well, there are a lot of charges to amazon.com recently.”

“Oh, yeah, well, that’s just me,” I explained.  Everyone who knows me in real life knows I spend too much damn money on amazon because I’m addicted to books.  I had already completed the vast majority of my holiday shopping online too. 

“Well, Angela, everything else looks good then,” she warmly explained, “Have a Happy Thanksgiving.  Sorry you didn’t really win the big bucks.” 

I’m sorry too.  My regrets, however, are related more to my inability to say “I told you so; suck it!” to my spouse than they are about the missing million dollars.  If nothing else has been gained, at least my family members can look forward to receiving a Wax-Vac as part of our white elephant gift exchange.  My purchases shall not be a waste one way or another!

Potty Time with Trouble Kitty

I don’t feel like writing tonight, but I’m not depressed or uninspired.  In fact, I began two posts today.  So, I suppose it’s editing that I’m actually avoiding.  Besides, you’re probably all getting real sick of me with National Blog Post Month.  Therefore, I am instead choosing to post the Christmas letter I just transcribed for my two year old daughter.

 

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl all year.  I learned to go poop, and I sleep in my big girl bed. It’s right over there.  I got a blow up bed too.  I read books that are special to you.  I go to school and I play with my friends.  I been learning Christmas songs at school and all the puppies love to go see you.  I sing “Santa Coming to Town.”  I sing Frosty too, yeah.  Frosty is a snowman blub blub.  Santa bring me a kitty.  I will name my kitty Trouble Kitty.  I also want another kitty that I gotta name Charlie.  Can I get that Charlie now?  I want a castle and a camera.  Isaac is my little brother.  Please bring Isaac a choo-choo train.  I like Isaac because he loves puppy books.  Isaac drinks bottles.  Momma lives in my house and two one eight nine.  Two times.  What’s in this box, Momma? Momma, what in here?  There’s nothing in here.  I can’t see nothing in here, Momma.  Oh no.  Open this.  Open! Open! My favorite movie is Madagascar and my favorite book is a puzzle book.  Puzzle book, Momma.  I like to draw on there and Dora loves me.  I’m sitting in my home right now.  I’m sitting in my home.  Hi.  Daddy goes to work.  How does this box open, Momma? This making me crazy! Two, one, one, two.  Uhm … uhm … I need to go pee!

 

 

OKAY. END OF TRANSCRIPTION.  TO THE POTTY WE MUST GO!!

 

 

Trouble Kitty? Could be.

 

Raindrops on Roses

Quite often, it seems, my personal favorite posts end up going widely overlooked while others that I spent little thought in putting together become highly popular.  Most certainly, I never anticipated that a post titled “I Googled Man Sniffing Panties” would become one of my most read.  I suppose I should have really seen that coming given how many perverts populate the internets.

Because I have so often misjudged the success of my posts, I feel National Blog Post Month is an excellent time to showcase some of those overlooked, but favorite posts.  These are the posts I am most proud of.  These posts are frequently the most emotional and revealing, and lack the dripping sarcasm present in my more oft-read work.  So, if you just started hanging around here and want to get to know a little bit more about me (why wouldn’t you?), please take the time to visit these posts.

1.       Sometimes …

 

I think this is my absolute favorite post so far.  It’s the post in which I feel I was most honest and closest to accurately depicting my struggle with mental illness.  As ending the stigma surrounding mental illness is one of my personal and professional ambitions, this post means a great deal to me.

 

2.       Five Minutes

This was the first post I wrote specifically for the lovely tribe over at yeah write.  This post reveals a bit about my first marriage, and I really like the way it came together.  I thought it held a lot of emotion in a few words.  I want to thank all the folks at yeah write for helping me bring out some of my best writing.

 

3.       Anywhere Other than Here

This was yet another brave, bold post written for the yeah write weekly challenge grid.  With this post, I opened up about the first time I was raped.  I was proud of this post due to the immediate response I received in personal messages and other contacts.  With this piece, I knew my writing truly made a difference in the life of others, and that gave me immense satisfaction.  I addressed the response  in an equally important and rewarding follow-up post – Right Here Now, and Absolutely Happy.

4.       The Purple Tutu Project

If you’ve been here before, you have probably noticed a few facelifts to this page.  The purple tutus are in reference to this particular post.  In this post, I talk about the wonder of youth and my attempt to capture that unabashed happiness and joy of childhood as I deal with my own personal struggles.  I think we should all try to view the world in such a manner.

5.       Sing, Momma, Sing

This is a relatively simple post about the love I have for my daughter, but that love is so immense that I feel it every time I read these words.  Being a mother is undoubtedly, without a question, the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me.  This post reminds me of how blessed I am.