This post comes as a follow up to “Anywhere Other than Here.” If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend you
do so before proceeding. I am honestly
honored, but slightly overwhelmed, by the amount of personal messages I have
already received in response to the essay I posted yesterday. This post detailed the first time I was
raped. That’s right – this was just the
first time, not the only time. As was
the case for some of the women who briefly shared their stories with me through
various online messaging sources, rape was a painful experience that I had to
suffer through on more than one occasion.
I say this with all sincerity and need every man and woman who reads
this to hear me and accept this truth: No
woman should ever have to go through this experience.
What I already knew, but was reminded of in the hours that
have passed since my posting, is that too many women have known similar
pain. According to the Joyful HeartFoundation, 1 in 6 women is a survivor of sexual assault, and every two minutes
in the United States someone is sexually assaulted. Further, like the situation described in my
post, 90% of assaults are committed by someone the survivor knows. These are numbers we need to care about.
Your sister, your daughter, your best friend, the woman who
works down the hall from you, the woman in front of you in the check-out line,
the woman seated next to you in the church pew – any one of these woman could
be a survivor who is silently suffering.
So many people responded to my post by describing me as “strong” and “brave.” While I made my story public, these silently
suffering women are no less strong or brave.
We are all fighting a hard battle – and we should learn to allow others to
throw up their fists and fight alongside us to eliminate the frequency of date
rape and other forms of sexual assault.
I know that there is great shame associated with rape. But I think we need to question this – why should
a woman be ashamed at being a survivor of rape?
What did she do wrong? The answer is nothing. But, I didn’t believe that after this first
happened to me. I was nineteen then, and
am into my thirties now. I did blame
myself. I felt I had played a part in
this wrongdoing against me. I mean – I did
kiss him. I lay down with him. I was initially warm to his touch – but when
things changed, and I said no, he should have stopped. He needed to stop. It was many long months before I could even
muster the courage to actually use the word rape – even just in my internal
dialogue – and many more months before I could speak that word to others.
When I publically posted my own tale, I didn’t consider the
pain that it may have brought to the surface for many of my readers. For that I apologize. I shared my story as a
means of healing for not only myself – but others. I wanted to stand up and say, “Yes. I was
raped. I’m not ashamed. I did nothing wrong. I am beautiful, smart, and intelligent, and
he was an ugly monster when he did this thing.”
I wanted to educate and empower.
If you’ve been following me, remember that whole thing about education
not being restricted to the classroom?
So, I shared my story.
Actually, I would encourage you to share it as well. Post a link to this page on your own blog or
add it to your facebook status or twitter update. Then women and men can stand together and
read about the ugly thing in an effort to end such sexual violence.
I did something many years ago that may be considered
completely crazy, but I forgave my abuser.
I saw him at a bar, and I forgave him for that afternoon. I also let him know that what he did was in
no way acceptable and it never, ever should have happened, but I also think
that he didn’t fully realize what he was doing.
It was like he was overcome by some sickness at the time that led to
this crime. I don’t know if he felt any
better, but I don’t give a shit because that wasn’t the point. I forgave him to allow myself to love. My hatred was only hurting me.
Today, no one hurts me.
I am safe and loved in my home by my husband and adoring, wonderful
children. I don’t want to be somewhere
other than here. I don’t have to vanish
to a finer place in my mind. I’m right
here now – and absolutely happy. I accepted
what happened to me, without condoning this action, and learned to pull
strength and empathy from my experience as opposed to pity and misery. Now, I can be fully in the moment when my
husband embraces me. I can be fully in
the moment and blissfully happy when my daughter tells her younger brother “lub
you.”
I’m not chained to that hurt; I’m not a slave to that
pain. I am stronger and better – and I
will never again be ashamed. My hope for
every woman who knows what I’m talking about all too well is that you dispose
of your shame as well. Know that you,
too, are brave and beautiful and deserving of every happiness life has to offer
you. Together we can be strong. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your
genuine and considerate responses.
A terrible experience for you, but you seem to have become stronger because of it. I'm glad you're at peace with this tragic episode (s) in your life and not a prisoner to it.
ReplyDeleteReading "Anywhere Other than Here" did not make me fall or cry because I refuse give him another second of my pain, but this post brought tears to my eyes; tears of hope for future happiness. Thank you, you've helped me through my darkest moment and I will pay it forward to someone else that needs this strength and hope. You have always been more than a teacher or someone who rights great blogs; you’re a role model :).
ReplyDeleteThank you dear girl. The book I wanted to give you before is Lucky by Alice Sebold. You are ready for it, and should read it. Thanks for the song link too. Clearly I appreciated it as I added it here.
ReplyDeleteI will definately read Lucky, and your welcome.
DeleteI'm going to say thanks before I even know what that is because it sounds like a good thing. Now, I'm going to check out the link. Okay. okay. okay. Thanks for the positive feedback.
ReplyDelete