I was sitting at a table by myself reading a book. She approached me and I looked up as I heard
her nearing.
“Well, what do you do now?” she questioned.
“Hmm?” I asked in return.
I had no idea what she was asking about.
No conversation had existed before this time as the impetus for this
question.
“Well, this isn’t where you want to be, is it?” she
asked. She wasn’t talking about me being
alone at that table or in that place at that exact moment. I knew what she meant when she asked this
because I felt it almost every minute of the day. I’m not in the career I want to be in. I don’t even believe you can call my current
position a “career.”
After being laid off from my full time teaching career, I am
now a part time study hall supervisor.
No, it’s not exactly what I had imagined for myself. I don’t think anyone tells their high school
guidance counselor that they really want to become a study hall supervisor in
the future. Yet, there is where I find myself now, and I’m determined to find
blessings in this situation.
“So, do you just wait and hope something opens up?” she continued.
I answered in the affirmative. Yes. What more can I do? I’m not interested in moving. My family is here, and I want my children to
grow up near their grandparents. My husband is employed here, we have a beautiful
home, and I enjoy the natural beauty of the area. I am also unwilling to commute more than a
half hour with two small children at home.
That leaves me exactly two districts in which to work, and nine English
positions, all of them currently filled. In the meantime, I am thankful that I’m
working with secondary students in some capacity.
I continued, “Well, while this isn’t ideal, there are also benefits. I love having more time with my children. My daughter is only two and my son will turn
seven months this week. When I was teaching
and coaching, I was often gone from 7 am to 6 pm. Even when I was home, my time wasn’t usually
my own because I had lesson planning and essays to grade. Now my time with my family is fully my time
to enjoy. My work stays at work, and this
is such a low stress job.”
“Well, you know what they say …” she smiled.
I knew what they said.
I’ve heard it repeated time and time again over the past year. Externally, I would nod and smile when I
heard this anticipated expression. Internally, I was screaming and yelling that
the ability to find good in an ugly situation didn’t make things suddenly
okay. It didn’t excuse the assholes, and
it wasn’t part of some grander design.
And then she said it … “Everything happens for a reason.”
She’s a kind woman, a good woman, and I know she had the
best intentions when she said this.
However, I still imagined the same fantasy I had every single time
someone uttered this phrase to me. “Everything
happens for a reason,” some good intentioned individual would tell me, because
it felt too harsh to simply say, “Yeah, you’re right, Angela. That situation fucking sucks.” People think the idea that everything happens
for a reason brings some kind of solace to the grieving individual, some kind
of hope. In my fantasy, it just invoked
a wild rage in me. I jump out of my
seat, and kick my chair out of the way like some bad ass Kill Bill shit where I take my vengeance out on any individual who
attempts to offer me solace with this expression. I kick the chair to the side, the object
slamming against the wall in slow motion. A loud thud echoes through the room
and then the scene focuses on me – suddenly, miraculously fit and leather clad,
ready to throw a fierce right jab. My eyes focus in on the speaker’s mouth, the
words coming out slowly, “Everything happens for a r-e-a-s-o-n.” The last
syllable falls from the lips of this individual as my fist pummels right into
her fucking throat. The
individual looks bewildered and pained and shakes her head back and forth in
protest of my action, and then I look stoically onward and mutter: “Everything
happens for a reason, bitch, and there’s a reason you just got punched in
the throat.”
Of course, this is not how the scene actually played
out. I nodded and went back to reading
my book, but inside I was still screaming. Don’t
fucking try to tell me that it was somehow acceptable that I got lied to,
abused, discriminated against, bullied, and betrayed so that I could enjoy my
children more. Don’t tell me what happened
was justified or predestined because I have less stress and I can be a better
mother. Shit didn’t need to go down like
that for me to enjoy my life, my time, and my family.
Ultimately, I don’t know if things happen for a reason or
not. I don’t have all the answers, but
know this: I know it’s not your fault and you mean well if you tell me “everything
happens for a reason,” but don’t be surprised if I punch you in the throat. Sorry.
I know shit didn’t have to go down that way, but life isn’t fucking
fair.
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I feel the exact same way when I hear that phrase or God forbid the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" The next person who says that to me when I'm mid crisis is going to find out that it may not kill me but it probably will kill them.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate when people spew stupid platitudes like that -- I get them, too. I'd rather they say nothing at all. “Everything happens for a reason, bitch, and there’s a reason you just got punched in the throat.” <--I love this!
ReplyDeleteThat's a rough situation. Even after reading how much this irks you, I can't help but try and see something bright about it. You probably want to punch me in the throat. ; ) It is so hard to know how to say the right thing - ESPECIALLY - wiht strangers. I guess that's the hazards of small talk. Way too easy to step on someone's toes!
ReplyDeleteNothing worse than people's halfhearted condescension. I get this alot about my job, and I'm of sick of explaining why it works for me. Honestly, I think people are really unhappy with themselves, and this do this projection business to try to feel better.
ReplyDeleteI am 100% with you. I work 50 min from home boooo and yet do feel blessed to be a p/t teacher. I want a job closer. I want a job in my field (I sound snobby but I got an MA in Ed Administration for a reason so neing a p/t teacher is like....great....this won't pay off the loans for my MA or give me the experience to get me hired). Hubby doesn't get the education field and says just apply for admin jobs. You are qualified. You will get a job. Even after 500-10000 job apps last year, across the country, he doesn't get it. And so I dunno...I feel ya. That's all :)
ReplyDeleteBoo ya! Good for you for having boundaries and taking care of yourself and EF anyone who says differently.
ReplyDeleteYep, sometimes it is better to just say life sucks and there is no reason for it.
ReplyDeleteI hate that expression too, and I don't believe it's true. I heard it a lot after the deaths of family members, and it really made me feel terrible because I felt further away from them and didn't want to get into explaining how I didn't have the same views. I think, though, that people just don't know what to say. I like the Kill Bill fantasy. :)
ReplyDeleteAny cliche phrase is usually the wrong phrase, and says a lot about the person uttering it. I loved your description of the hypothetical throat punching scene. . . very vivid!
ReplyDeleteI admit that I have thought to myself "there's a reason this happened." But I don't feel comfortable saying it to someone else unless they first hint they feel the same way. I guess it's a way to find comfort in a difficult situation.
ReplyDeleteHowever, instead of Thumper's advice "if you can't say something nice . .. " I suggest we change it to "if you can't say something useful, don't say NUTHIN' at all!"
You can add "or I'll punch you in the throat" if you like.
Girl, I feel ya! I have been hearing the same crap for the past six months since I was laid off from my job. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteDo murders happen for a reason? Do rapes happen for a reason? Does incest happen for a reason? F those people and their chliches. They deserve a punch in the throat.
I'm right there with you. This is actually one of my pet peeves because
ReplyDeletea) No shit everything happens for a reason. We live in a cause and effect world. So people lose their jobs because of reasons like economic strife, workplace politics, and discrimination. Or people get hit by cars because someone downs a bottle of wild turkey and sends a text message. I KNOW. Everyone knows. It's not that comforting, it turns out.
b) If you're trying to say you can find a silver lining or learn something from every experience then fine. Say that. Don't go with the "there is a grand plan for you courtesy of God / the universe so you're where you are now because it was meant to be" stuff because it's awfully presumptious to assume you know the intentionality of the universe as it relates to my life.
Great post!
I flippin' hate platitudes. Heard so many of them lately I could vomit. Life sucks donkey balls sometimes and people who haven't done anything to deserve shitty luck get crapped on willy-nilly. I know it, I'm living it. And I gurantee that you don't want to be on the receiving end of my fucking throat punch.
ReplyDeletePeople that say that crap DO deserve to be punched in the throat. When I hear crappy/sad news I usually say "that stinks/sucks and I'm sorry."
ReplyDeleteLesson: When you don't know what to say, just shut up! Ha! "There's a Blessing in every situation. It's up to you to find it." A friend told me that exact thing about 2 years ago. I fell in love with it and now it's part of my blog tag! You're gonna be just fine....sounds llike you already are!
ReplyDeleteall those cliched saying are just what people say to be hopeful when there's nothing to say. but sometimes it's just better to say nothing.
ReplyDeleteI hate when people say things like that. I guess they are trying to be kind when they don't know what else to do, but I find it so not-helpful. I completely get why it would make you angry!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you. Just because there are lessons to be learned in a variety of crapster life situations doesn't mean they happened FOR A REASON. Wishing you well on your path.
ReplyDeleteI hate that too. Your situation sucks Angela (except for the part about seeing your kids more ;)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. No cliche will make a sucky situation better. Throat punching should be totally acceptable as a response.
ReplyDeleteWhen people have nothing else to say, the old tried and true platitudes get pulled out, polished up and offered. A lot of the time, it's not because they don't feel your pain, it's because they just don't know how to express that yeah, they're putting themselves in your shoes and feeling your pain. I know it doesn't make it suck any less though.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally guilty of using that phrase, but I think I mostly use it on myself to make the crappy stuff feel not so crappy. I was treated really badly at a job that wound up not ending well. I was so much better off without that job, but they didn't have to be so douchey to me when I never did anything to deserve said douchiness. Some people are just evil. (Another word came to mind, but I will keep it to myself.)
ReplyDeleteHell yes! I fully support your decision to throat-punch anyone who uses that phrase, or similar.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice fantasy. There are so many people saying so many stupid things. Even if they somehow mean well, you just wanna punch 'em, right? I hate when people say "it is what it is".
ReplyDeleteIt just sounds trite to me.
I've heard that one so many times, and - like you - I sometimes imagine smacking the person. I think there's something to be said for saying "that just sucks" when someone's going through a hard time.
ReplyDelete"Shit didn’t need to go down like that for me to enjoy my life, my time, and my family." <-- So true and well said.
ReplyDelete