Resolutions for the Rest of You

This year, I might try to lose some weight.  I might try to play less Candy Crush. I might also try to practice more patience with my spouse.  While all of these would be wonderful resolutions, the truth is I’m not as worried about myself as I am with the rest of ‘Murica.  Therefore, this year I decided to make resolutions for the rest of you.  Listen up, assholes! I just might offend every person possible with this post.  In 2014, I resolve that you people need to do the following:

1.       Get off your fucking phones! Seriously, enough already.  Put the phone down. Stop texting.  Stop checking statuses. Stop playing whatever app is all the rage right now and actually have a conversation with the person sitting right across from you. 

 

2.       Stop glorifying all the hot messes. This is for you main stream media.  Stop it right now! I mean it.  No more Miley Cyrus. No more Lindsey Lohan. No more Amanda Bynes. No! No! No! If any young girl deserved your attention last year, it was Malala Yousafzai.  I doubt most young folks could even tell me why Malala matters, and I blame the media.  Can intelligence and integrity please take the spotlight this year?

 

3.       No more selfies.  I’m sick of all you young girls making duck faces in the bathroom mirror, and I certainly never wanted to see fucking half nude Geraldo Rivera. What makes you people think that shit is attractive? And I got some real problems with you too, Mr. President. Who takes a selfie at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service? Shame on you; you really ought to know better.

 



                                     

                                 Don't nobody want to see that shit. Put your old man balls away. 

 

4.       Stop the partisan bullshit. Enough. Democracy can be defined as “a form of government in which all eligible citizens participate equally – either directly or through elected representatives.”  Hmmm ….  doesn’t America continue to call itself a democracy? I’m sure as shit, however, that my participation isn’t equal to that of fucking Koch Industries or Goldman Sachs.  I’m disgusted with our bought and purchased politicians.  A government shutdown? Start putting your political parties aside and put the people first – and not just the people with the biggest wallets. 

 

5.       Stop wearing knit caps at unnecessary times.  I honestly thought this trend would have been long dead by now, but I keep spotting teens and fucking hipsters sporting knit caps indoors and in the oppressive heat of summer.  What the fuck, guys? If you’re not in a snow storm, get that stupid shit off your head.  And do I even need to mention Uggs?

 

                                  The knit cap really completes the douche-bag look.

6.       No more posting your prayers on facebook.  I have no problem with religion.  JC and I have a good relationship.  However, when I pray it’s in earnest solemnity.  God isn’t trolling facebook to see if you need some help in your relationship.  You can offer gratitude and you can request prayer assistance, but the actual address “Dear God” ought not appear in your feed.  Keep it up and I’m going to be posting “Dear God, give me patience to deal with all the assholes that think posting prayers on facebook makes them more pious than me.”

 

7.       Stop asking “You mad, bro?” Okay, I’m going to admit that I’m so unhip that I don’t even know where this originated from.  However, I do know that it irritates the shit out of me.  In particular, this annoys me when I receive this reply after reprimanding a student about his or her behavior.  I ain’t your bro, but yeah, I am mad. Shut the fuck up.

 

8.       Stop telling me my grandmother will be raped by Satan or I will die a slow, miserable death if I don’t repost your online image about ending cancer.  Yes, I think cancer sucks. Yes, I love the Lord.  Yes, I appreciate the men and women of the military.  Don’t you threaten me with some bad luck just because I don’t repost the meme supporting your cause though. 

 

  

9.       Stop defending ignorance with more ignorance. Oh, what’s that you say? Paula Deen and Phil Robertson had their first amendment rights violated when they experienced backlash for the really dumb shit they said? Yeah, you might be wrong about that one, buddy. Please study the first amendment again.  I don’t believe it reads: “Say any fucking thing you want without consequence.”  If it did, we could expect the young kid working at McDonald’s to say,  “Here you go. Enjoy your Big Mac meal, you fat fuck” without repercussion. 

 

 

10.   Stop taking pictures of your food. Just stop.  If Wolfgang Puck comes to your house and cooks you and your significant other a five-course meal, post away my friend.  Instagram the shit out of that meal.  But, every single person on the planet knows what fucking french fries look like.  Nobody needs to see your appetizer from Applebee’s. Believe me.

 

                   

                    You just ordered these french fries, and no one gives a fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Year We all Got More Dumber: 2013 in Review

As I sat down at my laptop this morning, Google kindly asked me if I would like to remember the moments of 2013.  My immediate internal response was a resounding NO.  Why would I? While 2013 was a year of calm and contentment in my personal life, the year in pop culture left much to be desired.

Last week, I began on the venture of creating an annual “best of” list.  Given that this little blog has survived over a year, I figured it was time to start some tradition around this place.  In 2012, I provided readers with an end of the year round-up of all things awesome, including Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl and Amy Poehler’s brilliant comedics.  In 2013, however, Parks and Recreation went and jumped the shark too and I read the worst damn book ever published – ever (here’s a clue …  Holy Crap - it was awful).  Thus, as I set about creating my own year in review, I severely struggled to find any moment in the media worthy of recognition.  Due to my toils, there are two results: 1) I failed to publish this year in review during 2013. Whatever. Lay off. 2) This list offers a twist and provides quite different categories than the traditional “best of” I had hoped to create. Enjoy!

Most Misogynistic Music Video

I do believe the winner is clear here, so all hail Robin Thicke for his thoroughly obscene video to the admittedly catchy hot single of the summer, “Blurred Lines.” I know the video is intended to get your heart pulsing a bit as you imagine sexy, sultry scenes of desire in your head.  However, Robin looks far too much like his father Alan and, hence, even with beautiful naked women shimmying about him, I keep picturing Dr. Seaver and the children of Growing Pains.  I miss cute, wholesome little Kirk Cameron.

 

Most Obnoxious Viral Video

If you did the Harlem Shake this year or tried Prancercise, you know that web videos often created more buzz than the stars of major cinema.  Forget Iron Man; there’s Bat Dad.  2013 was also the year when we had one of the biggest mysteries of the world answered: What does the fox say?  Yes, Ylvis takes home the top honor as the most obnoxious viral video of 2013.  You couldn’t get away from this video, and it produced quite the repugnant accompanying ear-worm as well.  In addition, it spawned a whole host of parodies, tee shirts, and even a children’s book.  No book should ever have a cover that reads “based on the popular you tube video.” Ugh.  

 

Most OMG Miley Cyrus Moment

No matter what kind of stunt Miley pulls this year, I promise this will be my only mention of her in 2014.  Can we all resolve the same?  We need to stop giving this misguided little girl so much attention for her shenanigans, but having said that, all eyes were on Miley in 2013.  Miley had her tongue sticking out and her ass hanging out all over the place, like at the Amsterdam awards show where she also lit a joint on stage.  Of course, though, nothing tops her pornographic performance at the MTV VMAs.  It was during this performance that she also licked the ass of a giant teddy bear and used a foam finger as a dildo.  Keep it classy, Miley, keep it classy. 

 

Biggest Jack-Ass Joke of a Politician

2013 certainly left us no shortage of total jack-ass, sleazy, corrupt, partisan games playing, dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks politicians.  Where do I begin? Perhaps with Anthony Weiner and his “package,” seemingly oblivious to the fact that it’s unfavorable to send dick pics to strangers when you’re in the public eye, or, you know, ever.  We were also thoroughly impressed with the brilliant minds of our political leaders when Ted Cruz decided to entertain us with Dr. Seuss during his September “filibuster.”  Marco Rubio got thirsty, Obama got his web site all kinds of wrong, and don’t even get me started on that cry-baby John Boehner.  But, none of these men could possibly compete with the biggest jack-ass politician of them all: Rob Ford.  You totally earned this title, buddy.  I don’t even know where to begin with this crack-smoking, belligerent mess, so I kindly direct you to this awesome compilation of Rob Ford’s greatest moments.  Don’t worry about him, folks, he’s “got plenty to eat at home.” Eeewwwww.

Biggest Mindless Time Suck

Candy Crush.  Need I say more?  Yes, yes, I must indeed say more.  I must say: “Fuck you, Candy Crush. Fuck you.  I could have been so productive in 2013 were it not for your addictive nature.”  I sure as shit hope I accomplish something greater than beating level 378 in only 12 moves in 2014. I am a pathetic mess, but apparently I’m not alone as Candy Crush earns $928,408 in estimated daily revenue and gets 98,387 daily installs. We’re a sad lot, ‘Murica. We all need to get our shit together in 2014.

 

 

And one last thing … fuck you too, Justin Timberlake, for failing to help me reach my 2013 resolutions. You didn’t even follow me back on twitter.  Whatev. I’m so over you.