Finding my Tribe

After informing me that I “totally rock,” Jenny Lawson (oh yeah … you bet your ass I’m totally bragging about this again) offered me some small advice on how to grow my blog.  The key is to connect to other bloggers and comment, comment, comment like crazy.  Initially, I opposed this idea because I hate people as a sweeping generalization.  Not like I hate republicans or I hate homophobes; I just fucking hate people (unless I’ve birthed them).  But, I took her advice all the same, and am actually finding myself quite pleased with the results.  In reaching out to other like minds, I was told I would find my “tribe.”  I thought that term was bizarre, but it turns out that’s a thing too just like “butt-fucking Egypt.” I have been learning a lot more about blogging.  I don’t struggle with the stories; I can bitch like nobody’s business.  But, I don’t know much about html or java script, and am learning that these are crucial skills in building a successful blog.  Until earlier this week, I thought a “badge” was just something a police officer might be showing me for public intoxication or nudity. 

This past week, I also attended my first “link party.”  I am, however, fairly certain that my blog did not at all belong linked up to the site I found.  I was featured right behind a link on how to clean your refrigerator correctly and best slow cooker lasagna recipes.  Hmmmm … not my tribe.  Really, how do those bitches do it all?  Who has time to make their own organic baby food, sew their children’s Halloween costumes, create their own year supply of laundry detergent, hand-dip vanilla spice candles, build their own shoe organizer, decorate their home for the holidays with handmade crafts of Styrofoam, twigs, and berries … and still fucking blog about it all?  Seriously, I am asking you how because some days I don’t even shower and my daughter is running around the house wearing several pairs of my underwear around her neck (she loves to accessorize) while I attempt to fold the laundry.

So, my first link party was a total fail.  I needed to find a place where I really belonged.  Is there a place for people like me who aren’t perfect – but are somehow perfectly flawed?  After the quilting party kicked me out, I sought out a site that would actually want to feature a blog like me.  Alas! I already feel I have found this tribe.  I knew immediately – just like I knew when I had found my soul mate.  By the way, my soul mate is not my spouse, but was my queer best friend.  Sometimes life works out like that, and you start sleeping naked with a man the same night you meet him – but honestly just sleeping, no touching because tits scare him. 

I’m hoping to build my tribe in the yeah write community.  Yeah Write is essentially an online coffee house for creative types which describes itself as “1 part blogging showcase, 2 parts writing challenge, and 3 parts bathtub gin.” Fucking perfect, right?  No mention of slow cookers or cloth diapers! Each week, yeah write offers an opportunity for bloggers to have their work featured on the site and reviewed by peers.  There are a few rules for submitted work.  For example, the post must be under 1,000 words and must have a narrative.  The folks at yeah write say they want a “so what?” to the story.  This, too, is fabulous because I often wrote these two very words in the margin of student essays.  Okay, you wrote a story about losing your baseball game – so what? Why should I care?  Make me care. 

Right now, I know you may be wondering the same thing – so what?  Why are you telling us all this Angela?  Why should we fucking care?  This shit isn’t funny; be funny.  I’m telling you this so that you are aware I won’t always be funny.  I plan to start sharing my yeah write submissions on this site.  Many of them are likely to be a departure from what you have been accustomed to so far.  I want to further experiment with my writing.  And, as per the yeah write guidelines, my entries must have a narrative.  You can all admit that most of my posts thus far have been random stream of consciousness crazy ass nonsense. 

Don’t worry all six of my faithful followers (you know who you are and I fucking love you) – you’ll still be witness to my righteous vulgarity.  However, you’re also going to see a side of me that is even more exposed – and frail, and frightened, and vulnerable.  Although my tone may change in some of the upcoming writing challenges, here’s what you can also depend on me for: TRUTH.  The shit is about to really get real.  This is all a true story.  Buckle up for the ride bitches because I’m taking it to overdrive.

 

As always, you can follow Not Appropriate Angela on facebook.  You should probably start doing that right now.

Dearest Bloggess -- or -- Ain't Too Proud to Beg

Below is my letter to Jenny Lawson, more commonly known as the bloggess, author of the recent New York Times bestseller Let’s Pretend this Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir).  I was going to put a link to her blog here, but then you would stop reading my shit and abandon me for her far funnier work.  Please don't do that because I love you. Smiley face.

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Dearest Bloggess,

The Bloggess: My Newest Hero!

This spring, I lost my job.  As I was a teacher – it was way more than a job.  The word “teacher” is a crucial component of my self-concept. Why am I telling you this?  Why should you give a shit?  Here’s why: due to my unemployment, I decided to begin a blog.  To tell the truth, I had probably read only about five blog posts in my life, with your post about Beyoncé naturally included.  Since starting my blog, I have received several fantastic compliments from my friends. I know, they’re my best friends, so they’re probably just lying to me about my talent, but I have decided to accept these compliments.  Bitches better not be trying to take this praise away from me either. Within the past week, I have been compared to several amazing authors; David Sedaris and Anne Lamott were among them.  Right? I must totally rule (or I have some really nice, but dishonest, friends)! Then another acquaintance said my voice reminded them of Jenny Lawson.  I thought – who?  So, my inquisitive, busy little mind had to figure this puzzle out.  Oh! It’s the bloggess!  So, today I took some time to check out your work further.  I visited the blog, and read many posts from the back catalogue – even checking out Good Mom/Bad Mom because this mommy of two children under age two has her own “sippy cup” that usually contains cabernet.  As I delved deeply into your work, I thought --- OMG! This broad is a fucking kindred spirit!  So, I had to contact you to express my absolute admiration of your work.  I also wanted to contact you to say: can I use you, please?  You see, I gots to provide for my babies and it’s a struggle with unemployment. As I noticed that you write about your own mental illness, I should note that I myself suffer from bipolar disorder, and actually am currently contesting this is the reason I was released from my job as they falsely claimed I abused my family and medical leave.  Bastards.  But anyway -- my very first blog post contained the line “send me some money bitches.”  One of my recent blogs requested “blow this shit up people.”  However, despite my demands, I have nine fucking followers and have yet to receive a check in the mail.  Again – bastards. However, I should say that nine people is probably about 10% of the population of my township (okay: lie – hyperbole, but only a slight one).  At any rate, my not-so-secret ambition (perhaps delusional, but fuck it – whatever) has been that the blog becomes wildly popular and I get a book deal. A-ha! Just like you! You see?  So, here’s where the you as a tool part comes in (not a tool the way John Mayer is a tool, but more like the traditional definition where you serve a useful purpose).  I also checked out a lot of the fantastic writers on the “I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit” sidebar.  I should note I also adore Tina Fey, so that this next reference makes sense: I want to go to there.  My plea is that you check out my writing.  If you fucking love it (or even if you just like it … kind of, sort of, I guess it’s all right), would you please feature me among these others?  I mean, it’s been about six weeks since I started this blog, so what the fuck?  Why am I not wildly popular? I am trusting you to make this happen.  Thanks in advance; I’ll honor you in the “author’s acknowledgements” of my memoir. Smiley face.

Kindly,

Angela

PS – I’m currently reading Lolita, and Humbert Humbert narrates with a lot of parenthesis.  I kinda picked that shit up.



Diving in Deep

Whatever you do in this life, you should do it well.To fully realize such a rule, this often requires the acquisition of some new skill or knowledge.For example, when I was bartender, I wished to do my job well and therefore sought to familiarize myself with many new drink recipes. Even though I tended bar in Northern Wisconsin and therefore primarily served brandy and cola, and had to open a lot of bottles of beer, I still had committed quite the library of martini recipes to my memory.I should probably admit I liked vodka, so said recipes were used for personal more than professional use.Regardless, I committed myself fully and gained new knowledge and skills.I would also like to boast that I received recognition as “Bartender of the Year” for 2006 in our local newspaper.Okay, I did vote for myself more than once.

In my life, I have also committed myself to education.When I completed a university course entitled “Major Authors: Jane Austen,” I immersed myself in her literature.I read not only the required texts, but all of her novels. Of course I aced the class and was thoroughly praised by my professor. I also fell so ardently in love with her writing then that I later named my dog Darcy and gave my first child the middle name Jane.You will be happy to know that my first child was a daughter.

I’ve become a student of almost every position I’ve held in my life, hobby I started, or any pastime I participated in.To demonstrate this to its fullest extent, I even bought a few books on better sex after I first became active.I never received any “of the year” award or grade for this activity, but I’m pretty damn sure I absolutely excelled at this too, with or without the literature I had purchased.In fact, I don’t think those books helped one bit – and I never even fully read the book I bought about tantric sex. I don’t know why I bought that; I think Sting must have still been quite popular at the time.In my thirties now, I think tantric sex just seems like a chore. That requires a lot of clearing up of your schedule.At any rate, the point is that I have a personality that generally dives very deeply into all that I do, so why would this project be an exception?

For this blog, then, I had to begin by acquiring the proper knowledge for success.I conducted some research online, and discovered (to promptly ignore most of) the following advice from an article titled “Starting a Blog in 2012? Avoid these Seven New Blogger Blunders”:

1.  Making Your Blog All About You

The article suggests that the majority of your content be about a subject other than one’s self.I was about to end my research right here because I thought (actually I may have verbally vocalized this aloud to the computer screen), “Fuck you. I’m fascinating.” The author offers such advice so that the blogger might expand his or her audience base as ultimately “You might be the author, but the blog exists because of your readers.”This does appear to be wise advice, but I can be selfish. I feel like Adam Sandler’s character in The Wedding Singer: “I have the microphone, so you will listen to every damn word I say” (something very similar was said to friends and family when I gave a toast at my sister’s wedding).

2.  Writing About Every Topic Under The Sun

Here, the author suggests that you pick a subject and stick to it.Find something that you love and write about it. Well, I think I’m awesome, but I was just told to not write about myself.So, what else do I love? Bacon.Look forward to lots of posts about bacon.

3.  Confusing Your First Time Visitors

This is actually really good advice here, and a universal truth.It only takes a few seconds for others to form an impression of you, and you want to make it a favorable one.To ensure that you make a good impression, I here add my own advice on a few other things to avoid: Don’t begin your blog at 3:30 am during a bout of insomnia brought about by withdrawal from your anti-depressant medication.Don’t ask your readers to send you money.Don’t call them bitches immediately following said request for money.

4.  Not Paying Due Attention to your “About Me”page

Let’s be honest: my primary audience here currently exists of only my friend Jess –and she already “gets me.”I have not yet added any details to my profile for this page, either, so I imagine I should include some information about myself now. Let me begin with my youth …

When I was age twelve, a lot of my friends began dating.I didn’t have a boyfriend, and this made me feel like a loser.So, what did I do to remedy the situation?I made up an imaginary boyfriend, of course.He lived out of town, and his name was “Andy.”Once my mother bought me a necklace with a heart pendant on it, and I told everyone Andy had bought it for me.Having a fake boyfriend made me pretty cool.

When I was age fifteen, a lot of my friends started doing drugs.I just said no, but peer pressure once again made me feel like a loser.So, I filled a piece of notebook paper with some lawn weeds, rolled it up to look like a joint, and burnt it at the edge with a lighter I found in the kitchen junk drawer.Later, I brought this item to school and told my friends I had a “doobie” in my backpack. I was a total bad ass … and a complete idiot.

When I was age seventeen, I had my first real kiss. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel like a loser about the lateness of this event. What most novels had led me to believe would be a magical moment was rather disappointing; it was just wet and messy.I told my boyfriend, “Hmmm …that was really slobbery.”He replied, “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.You just don’t know because you’ve never kissed anyone before.”By the way, he was wrong about the way kissing was meant to be.

5.  Writing Like Your High School English Teacher

So, if I didn’t stop reading after this author’s first bit of advice, I really should end it all right here when she says not to write like your high school English teacher.Given that I am a high school English teacher, I’m totally fucked in this blog business. Wait.I would never write“totally fucked” in anything distributed in the classroom, so I might still be okay according to this web advice.And, you know what else … screw you, lady, for making the assumption that all teachers are rigid, dry, and dull. That’s stereotyping, and that is so not cool.

6.  Not Embracing Social Media

I have been on Facebook since its inception, when it was basically created just to check out chicks on campus.I was a non-trad at this time when it was initially available only to university students.I didn’t have a lot of facebook “friends”then, as I was older and no longer as attractive as I was at age twenty.Also, I was not a whore.I refuse to twitter because I think it’s a vapid site created for individuals who believe they’re far more important than they actually are.Yes, I acknowledge I’m a hypocrite because I’m writing a blog about myself where I publically declare that I am both “fascinating” and “awesome.”I did, however, add the pinterest app yesterday, and in fact used it to pin this article when I began my blog around 3 a.m. So, am I good with this piece of advice?

And finally ….

7.  Ignoring Other Bloggers

I read about Beyoncé –the giant metal rooster. Yes, I know that technically Beyoncé is a rooster, not a chicken. I’m all set.