Free Porn and Cat Videos

When I first started this blog, it was at around three am a little over a year ago.  This was also during the height of a manic episode.  A great deal of cursing spewed forth as my fingers rushed across the keyboard, and I also felt a stirring of guilt with each profanity I typed.  However, I liked my words -- they were real, honest, and raw.  I mean, I curse, -- big fucking deal.  I did not curse in my professional life though as a former full time AP English Teacher and Debate Coach.  Due to my fear of having this blog potentially block me from future employment, my title became a bit of a warning: “Not Appropriate for All Audiences.”

 In my mind, this somehow translated: “Dear potential employers, I get it.  I know not everything I write here will be school appropriate, but this writing is not intended to be seen by students.  I can separate my worlds and be a professional when the situation calls for it. So, students, parents, potential employers, and probably most grandparents -- just don’t read this shit.  Good? Good.”

 When I first started this blog, most of what I wrote was also snarky, sarcastic, and comical.  As the time has passed, this blog has progressed and changed too.  In fact, some of my favorite posts aren’t satirical or obtuse with profanity.  They’re sweet and sentimental.  They talk about my love for my children, or my battles with bipolar disorder.  Every word I write is genuine, and some of it is perfectly appropriate for all audiences.  You see where I’m going here?  The title just doesn’t make sense anymore -- and it’s simply too damn long.  Therefore, I have been contemplating some new blog titles in my head.  I record ten alternate titles here, and kindly ask for your genuine feedback.  

 

1.         The Purple Tutu Project
        Tag: Choosing Happiness in a World of Chaos

 

This title comes from one of my favorite posts, one that I hoped would be far more popular than it actually was.  I like the concept that I’m going to survive and choose happiness when I am able to, despite all the chaos and crazy in life.  I had hoped it was a concept others could get behind too, and we could make a movement. So … let’s get going here folks.

 

2.       Type Through This

        Tag: Documenting Life’s Ups and Downs

Not yet quite as crazy as Courtney Love

 
Alliteration was my first draw to this title (I’m a geek), and the rationale is that I write through many different emotions and struggles in my life, and finding the energy and inspiration to write (given my mental illness) is often quite challenging.  Further, it’s a slight allusion to Courtney Love and “Live Through This,” only I’m less gross and don’t let random dudes suck on my nipples at the Burger King (such behavior is only acceptable at the Dairy Queen, as everyone knows).  


 

3.       The Illuminati Runs this Blog

 

I really don’t like this title, but I figured it would bring in readers like hotcakes (who uses that phrase anymore? What am I, 90 years old?)  I have learned that the World Wide Web (another outdated phrase) goes loco for the illuminati.  My post about the illuminati and the rap industry, which is not even particularly strong writing, has more readership than any other post.  People are quite frequently brought to my blog due to interest in the illuminati.  Imagine how popular my blog would be if I mentioned the illuminati in the title?  I conceive it could be excessively popular if I considered joining forces with this occult master group, but I’m not markedly interested in getting ass-fucked by Satan at this time.  I might reconsider in a few months.

 

4.      And Now This …

             Tag: Declarations and Disappointments

 

When you read this title, you have to imagine the tone in which I would orally state it.  On one hand, I would be making this statement in the fashion of a newscaster, reporting “And now this … Ann Coulter is a cunt.”  On the other hand, I would be announcing it with a defeated puff of air, “... and now this,” like I’ve got just another pile of shit, or one more fucking illness, to deal with.  You might imagine it like this, “So, I’m manic-depressive, I have PTSD, I have colitis, I have carpal tunnel, and eczema, and now this! I was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia! Argh! How am I going to deal?” Imagine me looking like a frazzled Cathy comic as I deliver this line.  Got it? Good.

 

5.       Bitch, Please

             Tag: Some People Have Real Problems

 

I often find myself thinking such phrases internally.  The first time I believe I ever used this phrase aloud was when I returned to university as a non-traditional student and overheard the following conversation: “I know my roommate is using my computer.  I mean, I’m like, sure of it, and she will not admit it.  So, do you know what I did, Callie? I took a strand of my hair and I placed it right atop the shift key, so when I get home from class, if that hair is, like, missing, I know it’s her.”  Bitch, please.  Some people have real problems.  Communication might be a better fucking approach.  At any rate, I thought this title could cover both my snarky and more serious side.  

 

6. Just Write

 

This is simple, but I like it.  My fear, however, is that it’s probably already in use a thousand times over.  As many of you probably know, this title is appropriate as I so often doubt myself and my abilities, and then stop writing for periods of time.  However, writing makes me happy and it’s naturally cathartic.  I also hope that my readers find my words enjoyable, so I should just write.  Simple, right?  I wish it were simple.

 

7.  This Blog is Bipolar

 

As my blog is a representation of me, quite naturally, this blog truly is bipolar.  One day I will write a post about the top celebrities I most want to fuck (hard) and the next day I write a sestina about my love for my newborn daughter.  I’m all over the map, and so is this blog.  My fear with this title, though, is that it might actually contribute to the stigma surrounding mental illness, which is really in direct opposition to my desire to properly educate others about depression, bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder, addiction, and the like.  

 

8.  Sarcasm Font Needed

 

If you’ve read this blog before, you know I use this three word phrase quite frequently.  Although there are immense benefits to online communication, it also allows for more misinterpretation.  As tone cannot as easily be identified as with verbal communication, errors and misunderstandings do occur.  Therefore, I firmly propose that the United States of America adopt a sarcasm font.  It’s like using CAPS when you’re PISSED OFF.

 

9. Dear Terri,

          Tag: Things my Mother-in-Law Probably shouldn’t be Reading
 

Other than the same friend who encouraged me to write this blog (who has admitted to anxiously awaiting new posts), no one reads this blog more regularly than my mother-in-law.  I know most folks make jokes about their awful, insufferable in-laws.  You might expect that from me, but I’m lucky and I actually adore my mother-in-law.  However, this still doesn’t mean I want her to read everything I post here.  I want her to still like me, and sometimes I make that difficult. She admitted she wasn’t especially fond of the post talking about her son’s poor suffering existence due to his infrequent receipt of hand jobs. 

  

10. Free Porn and Cat Videos

             Tag: Offering Everything ‘Murica Loves About the Internets

My mother-in-law may not be too excited with this title either, especially with my admittance that this one was her son’s suggestion.  After attempting to offer me encouragement by stating that my blog was “more than adequate,” my husband then offered, “Well, if you really want more people to read it, you should title it ‘Free Porn and Cat Videos.’  That’s the shit people are always searching Google for.”  Clearly, my husband is a genius, or maybe I need to more carefully check his search history. 

                                                       'Murica Cat                                                      

 

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So … let’s hear it! I would so greatly appreciate your feedback.  Do I make a change to one of these titles or leave the blog as it is?  Do you have another brilliant idea for me?  I want to know! Thanks in advance.

Small Town Street Cred

“Do your students really believe the illuminati is as far reaching as ----- ?” my friend asked, after I  finished describing my day to her. 

Currently, I spend my afternoons supervising a high school study hall.  Said high school exists in a very small town in Wisconsin, and the students of this high school have a strange fascination with the illuminati.  Some of you might remember when the students first shared this interest with me last fall.

Today, after having spoken to a group of sophomore boys about using their study time more productively, one posed the following question: “Mrs. Ryan, are any white folks in the illuminati?”

“Of course they are,” I replied, as though this were a perfectly normal and expected question for any student to ask of his teacher.  You know, “How do you solve this math equation? What’s a comma splice?  Who was our 18^th president?  Who is the most prominent Caucasian figure in the illuminati?” Those are all just run of the mill academic questions.

“Well, it seems to me,” the young man continued, “That the illuminati is made up of mostly black rappers.  I wasn’t sure they let white people in.” 

I believe it was at this point in sharing the story when my friend stated, “Shit, if your students were half as concerned with their coursework as they were with the racial make-up of the illuminati, they would all be geniuses.”  Genius was a bit hyperbolic, but I certainly concurred with her intended point.

In that actual moment, I shook my head at him.  I did add, though, that there was reason to believe Justin Bieber is associated with the illuminati.  They accepted this response for two reasons.  The first is that I’ve become my small town’s resident expert on the illuminati. The second justification was the very logical explanation I provided them – How the hell else could the Biebs be so fucking popular without the help of a secret Satanic society? That little douche-bag no doubt sold his soul to Satan. 

**Author’s Note: Calm the fuck down; I didn’t use that language when explaining this to the students.  The language was clean, but the message was the same. **

“Hmmm …” they nodded with intrigue after I provided my affirmation of Bieber’s occult involvement.  However, they still continued on with concerns that the illuminati were exhibiting reverse racism.  “Still, it’s a lot of black dudes.  I mean, Lil’ Wayne, Jay-Z, DMX …”

“No, no,” I interrupted the student here, “DMX is not involved in the illuminati,” I declared with conclusive resolve.  

“What? Yeah he is,” another student argued in defense of his friend.

“No, he’s not,” I fixedly reaffirmed.

“How do you know?” yet another student asked.  How dare he question my knowledge base, especially when it came to this crucial topic?

“Because he told me,” I calmly asserted.

At this point, I briefly explained my now infamous encounter with DMX at last year’s Zombie Pub Crawl in Minneapolis.  I may have left a few parts out, like just how ungodly intoxicated I was. Whatev.

When my word was outrageously doubted by a few of the students, I brought up an image of DMX and me using the flickr app on the student’s chromebook.

“Holy shit!” one of the students yelled, and the others all looked at me in great awe and wonder.  They made similar comments, void of the curse words as I had reprimanded their friend for his inappropriate language.

**Another Author’s Note: I’m not a hypocrite.  I keep my language situation appropriate.  I don’t drop f-bombs in schools, churches, or nursing homes.  Everywhere else it’s open season. **

“That is so cool! You really did confront DMX. That’s crazy, Mrs. Ryan. Like, I think that dude killed people and you called him out for his language.”

“That’s right,” I avowed, “so don’t think you’re going to get away with your foul or inappropriate language here.”  If mother fucking DMX didn’t intimidate me, I wasn’t about to be daunted by their scrawny little fifteen-year-old asses.

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool.  Okay.  I totally think you’re the coolest teacher here now,” one young boy announced, “You have, like, major street cred.”

My proclaimed major street cred aside, one of these boys still persisted with his argument.  “Yeah, that’s cool, but I still think the illuminati doesn’t accept whites.”

“Yes they do,” his friend argued, coming quickly to the kick-ass teacher’s defense. “Tom Cruise is illuminati.”

“No,” I informed them, “He’s not illuminati. He’s a scientologist.” Get your shit together, kids. 

Get your shit together.  You can’t go around confusing the illuminati with L. Ron Hubbard lovers, for fuck’s sake.  These kids will never make it on the rough streets of this town.  

Keeping it Real with DMX

Recently, a student and I had a discussion about DMX and the illuminati.  I later discovered that DMX was performing at an event I was attending.  The organizers must have desired an artist whose career was “dead” to headline the Zombie Pub Crawl.  Oddly, I was excited to see this hard-core rapper. One would have thought I was DMX’s biggest fan, hands in the air “like I just don’t care,” singing “y’all can suck my dick.” 

But, DMX disappointed a lot of folks.  Many were ready to tell DMX to suck their undead dicks for showing up 90 minutes late and performing only a 30 minute set. 

Screw DMX.

TOTAL BULL-SHIT.

WTF?

Fuck DMX – that washed –up drug addict.

Who does he think he is?

The above is  a sampling of hundreds of irate comments from the zpc stream.  Yes --someone asked, “Who does he think he is?”  I would reply with another question, “Who do you think he is?  He’s mother fucking DMX; he’s not exactly the most upstanding citizen in the world.    Are you not aware of his reputation?“

Here’s a quick lesson: DMX was charged with animal cruelty, disorderly conduct, and possession, after officers found a loaded pistol, 13 pit bulls, and six crack pipes in his home.  Later, he was arrested for stealing a vehicle, and identifying himself as an FBI agent.  So, really, you’re surprised? 

DMX lacked proper manners on stage; there’s another shocker.  He announced, “Boy – you all  a bunch of ugly mother fuckers.  I wouldn’t fuck her, I wouldn’t fuck her, oooh … I definitely wouldn’t fuck you girl.”  In his defense, we were all dressed like zombies so it probably would have been fucked up if he did have a hard-on.

I pulled my friends closer to the stage. “C’mon, guys,” I yelled, “Let’s get  up in there! DMX wants to see me!”  At that point in the evening, I fully believed this with all my heart. 
 

Then someone in the crowd threw something on stage. To this, DMX stated, “Another one of you fuckers wants to throw something  and I’m gonna come down there and kick your ass, faggot.”  My friend and I looked at one another, shaking our heads in disapproval of this homophobic slur.

His performance soon ended, but my time with DMX was not over. “I gotta go talk to DMX,” I announced to my friend.  “No, no, you don’t,” she adamantly tried to convince me otherwise.  I snuck past the gates and approached the back of the stage.  A large security guard stopped me and told me to turn around.  I told him DMX wanted to talk to me.  I was so sincere in this and honestly believed what I was saying.

DMX made his way off the stage, and I winked and pointed at him,  “Hey, DMX, you wanna see me, right?” 

The guard was shaking his head negatively and trying to push me back, but DMX said, “Get on over here honey.”  I don’t know why this made me immensely happy, but I beamed and bounced over in my red tutu, visible black panties, and “Zombie Bitch from Hell” tee. This apparel probably helped because truth is I have an ass that is quite popular with the African American male community.

So, DMX invited me over and embraced me in a warm hug. 

“Hey DMX," I said, “I gotta tell you why we need to talk.  See, I lost my teaching job due to fucking Scott Walker.”

“Scott Walker? Who’s Scott Walker?” DMX questioned.  I know you’re wildly surprised that DMX is not educated enough in politics to recognize this name.

One of the security guards answered,  “He’s the governor of Wisconsin.  He’s an ass."

I gave that guy a high-five, and  continued, “Yeah, he’s the governor, but he didn’t even graduate from college.”

“Dude didn’t graduate from college and he wants to run a state?” questioned DMX in genuine disbelief and disgust.

“He is running it,” I replied, “He even won a recall election.”

“Well, that shit ain’t right,” DMX said, shaking his head.  I had underestimated DMX, judging him on his reputation, but even DMX knew that education should be valued.

“Anyway, we’re gonna get off track here, DMX,” I continued, “So, you see, because I lost my job I work part-time now as a para and my new students told me you never committed any of those crimes you’ve been convicted of, and the illuminati is framing you.”

Fuck. I have big balls.  Also – what is wrong with me?

“Oh, I don’t know nothing about no illuminati.  I don’t want to talk about no illuminati.”

I did, so I went on to tell DMX everything I had recently learned. He endured this for a while, and then interrupted,  “You want a hug, sweetie?  You a sweet girl.”  He gave me another big hug, and kissed me on the cheek.

Then, DMX asked me if I loved the Lord.  I said I surely do.  He showed me the “Jesus Saves” tattoo on his wrist.  Then I got to it – the reason I felt most compelled to talk to DMX .  “This brings me to the point I wanted to make.  I  need to tell you one more thing. You're telling me you love Jesus, and Jesus wants you to love everyone, and we shouldn't judge others, so it’s not cool to use the word ‘faggot.’”

“Well, see, now you judging me!” he said, his voice slightly rising in anger.  “I don’t mean ‘faggot’ like you gay; I mean ‘faggot’ like you an asshole.  You know? I got no problem with the gays! I got an uncle that’s straight gay!”

After this, there was more hugging before I returned to my friends.  I got high-fives from everyone we met as my friend bragged about my exchange with DMX, but the police officer we spoke with asked, “Why did you  talk to that dude? He’s an egotistical prick.”  Again, he’s mother fucking DMX.  What did you expect?  

 

 

<a href="http://yeahwrite.me/79-open"><img src="http://yeahwrite.me/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/challenge79.png"></a>

 

Resources: http://crime.about.com/od/famousdiduno/ig/mugshots_rap_hip_rb/DMX-Mugshot.htm

The Illuminati Runs the Rap Industry: A Valuable Lesson

As an educator, I firmly believe that there is new knowledge to be gained every single day.  Too many people, however, ignore all that the world has to offer them.  We choose to watch Honey Boo Boo when we could be watching the History Channel.  This is not a judgment because I love me some Mama June making up ‘sketti’; it is just an accurate observation of the American majority.  If an individual allows himself to become more consciously open and observant, there is much to be learned.  For example,  I just learned that the illuminati are trying to take down the rap industry.  I now impart this crucial piece of information onto you. 

Such information was recently brought to my attention when a student in study hall inquired about my musical interests.  “Hey, do you ever listen to rap music?” the young male in the Kobe Bryant tee asked me. 

“Like what? DMX?”  I returned his question with another.

“DMX?!?” he practically shouted in disgust at my time warped inquisition.  He chuckled at me while continuing, “that stuff is so old.  No one listens to DMX these days.  Oh my god.”

He did recognize the name DMX though, as we then sang a couple verses of“Party Up” together.  You all gonna make me lose my mind – up in here – up in here – you all gonna make me act a fool.  He then explained to me that DMX has had so many legal issues, including (but certainly not limited to) animal cruelty, reckless driving, rape, menacing, cocaine possession, criminal impersonation, and more because the illuminati has been framing him. People – this man is just an innocent victim of a secret society and you must be aware of this!  Your soul depends upon this knowledge. 

“The illuminati?” I questioned, while simultaneously rolling my eyes at this seemingly ridiculous claim.  “Like Dan Brown Angels and Demons illuminati?”

“Yes. No. Wait. What,” he stumbled to respond, “Who is Dan Brown?” Now – c’mon! I knew who DMX was, so why shouldn’t he know who Dan Brown is? These damn kids today!

Doubt was clearly written all over my face, and this student was adamant in his claim and need to defend the good character of  DMX.  “Hold up. Hold up,” the young man spoke with strange agitation and commitment regarding the innocence of DMX.  He pulled his i-pod from his jean pocket and began scrolling through the touch screen with his index finger.   Finally, he had located what he was feverishly searching for.

“Imma prove it,” he said, “Do you know who Rick Ross is?  He knows.  You need to listen to this.”

He then played me a sweet little ditty by Rick Ross, which absolutely should not have been played in school.  I’m fairly certain I heard both “bitch” and “fuck” before finally reaching this crucial line of the song “Holy Ghost”: “they say I’m gettin’ money; must be illuminati.”

Yes. This clarified everything for me.  That was sarcasm; that cleared up nothing and just led me to believe Rick Ross should have been in my Creative Writing class so that he had better rhyming skills.  Now, if you’ve been following me, or know me in real life, you know I have a curious mind that never, ever, ever stops running.  So, naturally I googled the shit out of Rick Ross, DMX, and the illuminati.

Apparently, Rick Ross has been trying to recruit the formerly incarcerated DMX to his label, but DMX declined.  In an interview with Vibe magazine, DMX shared, "I respect him as an artist, but he got that whole illuminati thing going on.  I don’t really know what that’s all about, so this [his decline of the offer] might be a good thing.”   Ross would also like to recruit others to the illuminati, and this is alluded to in his “Free Mason” lyrics.

 

 

Through further research, I discovered several theories that suggest the vast majority of the rap industry, and pop musicians, became famous by selling their souls to the illuminati and have now become mere “poppets” of these people in exchange for money and fame.  This actually makes a little sense.  I have often wondered why Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were so wildly popular.  If you look here, you will see that they are among those artists potentially linked to the illuminati.

Many artists sacrifice more than they are aware of, and this is why they often lose people close to them at the peak of their career.  Consider Kanye West and his mother.  Now I’m gonna let you finish, but uhm … Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.  This brings me to the fact that Jay-Z is also associated with the illuminati. Lil’ Wayne also confesses his association when he admits he no longer has a soul in the lyrics “when I look at the mirror in the morning, I don’t see anything.”  If I listened to Lil’ Wayne, I would have interpreted this more like a literary analysis and believed it alluded to his loss of self-identity given the influx of fame.  No, no, no, my friends.  This means he’s a demon of sorts. I mean, vampires have no reflection, right?  Lil’ Wayne is a fucking monster.  I thought this anyway, but no … literally, a monster … not just an ass.

You probably also thought, as I did, that “Slim Shady” was a nickname or moniker for Eminem.  Again – you have been fooled by a secret occult society of pop superstars and money hungry whores.  “Slim Shady” is actually the name of the demon that has come to possess the man who made Rihanna sing “I love the way you lie.” And --- yes --- you assumed correctly; Rihanna is also associated with the illuminati.

So, my student wasn't entirely correct; the illuminati actually run the rap industry rather than trying to take it down.  And here I thought he was just a kid talking some nonsense; what a fool I have been.  I am so thankful he straightened my ass out.  From this same student I further learned that Tyler the Creator  signed a contract with Lucifer himself in order to gain his fame.  I would tell you who Tyler the Creator is, but I have no fucking idea and I have already wasted enough valuable time researching this nonsense.  You’re welcome.  And if you knew all of this years ago, fine … you are clearly cooler than me, or you have also taken allegiance with Satan.

I would like to remind you that I live in the “middle of butt-fucking nowhere,” so there’s a lot of news that I stumble upon well behind the times.   I’m still wearing Jordache jeans and tossing my hair in a side pony tail.  Don’t judge; I’m just geographically disadvantaged.  However, this may serve me well as it makes it more difficult for the illuminati to locate me, which I am certain they will be doing upon publication of this post.  Please send prayers and crucifixes if you know where I live, but don’t give my address to any members of the occult even if they promise to get you a deal on Rick Ross’ label.