The Short List

I need to preface this post by stating that it is truly intended for adult audiences only.  If you are under the age of eighteen, please stop reading.  If you are a family member, you also should not proceed any further.  Terri, this means you.  In fact, this post should probably not be read by anybody ... ever. 

Okay, for those of you who are yet uniformed, the short list contains the names of those five individuals, typically expected to be celebrities of sorts (even if they’re on the D-list), that you have a free pass to fuck.  For example, if my husband were to ever encounter Scarlett Johansson, they could have intercourse (which she would naturally be interested in, of course) and he would be completely forgiven.  (I told you, Terri.)

My own short list doesn’t even really excite me.  I’m not someone who typically becomes enamored with celebrities, or infatuated with any individual really based on appearances alone.  My short list primarily consists of characters, rather than the celebrities who portray them.

Daniel Day-Lewis is on my short list.  Right? The fuck? Even I question my judgment here.  But, it’s not the actor Daniel Day-Lewis.  It’s certainly not Gangs of New York Daniel Day-Lewis or There Will Be Blood Daniel Day-Lewis.  I only want to fuck The Crucible Daniel Day-Lewis as Salemite John Proctor.  Lucky little Abigail Williams, that whore.  I’m especially drawn to John Proctor after he’s been shackled in prison, falsely condemned for witchcraft.  Nothing is sexier than when he screams, “I have given you my soul! Leave me my name!”  Yeah, it’s a little messed up.  No need to worry; I’m already in counseling.

Then there’s Viggo Mortensen, but definitely not Viggo Mortensen as the devil in The Prophecy.  I’ll admit it; that movie scared the shit out of me.  I remember watching it when I was a junior in high school.  I was at a friend’s house, and had to meet my curfew after viewing the film.  I kept on turning on the dome light in my truck the whole ride home, checking to see that Satan (as Viggo had portrayed him) was not sitting next to me in the passenger seat.  This is very rational, I know.  So, Viggo only appears on my short list as the king in Peter Jackson’s adaptation of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. The impact literature has made on my life should be obvious here.

Justin Timberlake is also on my short list.  There are no excuses here or weird literary tie-in.  There’s just adorable little JT from his days in N’Sync to JT more recently, most definitely bringing “sexy back.”  While the other men on my list are old enough to have conceived me, JT is just a few years younger (not enough to make me a cougar).  Over his years in the spotlight, he has grown into quite the attractive male specimen.  I once saw him perform live in Chicago on the Justified/Stripped tour, where he was headlining with Christina Aguilera.  That boy did not even need to sing; he could have just walked back and forth on stage and I would have been happy.

Jason Statham is the other man that doesn’t need to be playing any specific role to make my short list.  He doesn’t need to be The Transporter, unnecessarily removing his shirt during several fight scenes (no real objection here).  He can be in whatever shitty movie he wants, from Death Race to Crank, and I still wouldn’t mind him making me scream all night.  His movies may suck, but dude is hot as hell.

I’m always undecided on my last pick.  At one point in time, it was David Cross.  There’s simply no justifying this choice.  He is just not an attractive man, but I think he’s fucking funny.  Of course, this was Mr. Show funny before he needed to pay the bills and was featured in Alvin and the Chipmunks, the movie. I can’t blame the man for needing to make some bank, but it did get him booted from my short list.  It may also be that I started drinking significantly less and realized what the man who portrayed Tobias Funke, analrapist, really looked like. I’m sure that wherever David Cross is right now, he is totally crushed by the news of his removal from my short list.

Furthermore, if me finding you funny somehow qualifies you for the short list, I might as well throw that ugly fucker Louie CK on my list.  He does make me laugh, but that doesn’t ensure he can bring me to orgasm. So, my fifth and final slot currently remains unfilled.   It’s a wonderful investment of my time to thoroughly contemplate who should deservedly be on my short list.

My only hope can be that my time investment pays off when this blog post makes it into such heavy rotation that Justin Timberlake hits me up.  You might recall that one young lady recently obtained a date to the Marine Ball with JT after being the star of a popular YouTube video request. Justin, you don’t even have to take me on a date.  The short list does not involve dinner or a movie – just straight-up sex.  Send me an airplane ticket, and we’ll make arrangements.  Maybe send a pair of tickets so my husband and I can tour the town together after I’m done with you.      

Thanks Justin.  Sorry David.