I generally
think of John Mayer as a giant tool, but he got it absolutely right with his
song “Daughters.” Fathers, you need to
be good to your girls and raise them to have self-worth. If need be, you tell them, just as Abileen does
in Kathryn Stockett’s spectacular novel The
Help, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Because if your daughter doesn’t know that
she is a person of value, she may end up with someone like John Mayer, who,
despite this lovely little tune, will bang your baby and then brag about it in
the pages of Playboy magazine. While
I am now grateful for my father every single day and truly believe he was
always only doing the best he knew how, I wasn’t brought up with high
self-esteem. My father liked to point out my acne, as if this would somehow
encourage me to take more careful care of my skin and make all zits magically
disappear. He also referred to me as fat, even though I graduated from high
school at 110 pounds. I think he believed such comments would keep me fit.
Instead, I honestly thought I was a repulsive young adult. If ever a male classmate asked me out, I
thought he was doing so out of cruelty and merely to mock me. So, I generally dated losers because they
were the only ones I believed could possibly be sincere in their interest. This is a story about another dick I dated;
thanks a lot Dad.
John Mayer: Douche-Bag Anomaly |
Dan was nice
before we started officially dating. He
told me I was pretty and he made me laugh.
I’m a sucker for a funny guy, even if he is fugly. (I can’t believe I just used the word fugly;
I have been working with high school students too long.) So, I guess things
couldn’t be that bad anyhow, even though there was no reciprocal attraction on
my part. I was wrong. We started dating, and he became a
monster. He told me I didn’t try hard
enough to be pretty, and that I had really let myself go since high school,
turning into a “total fat ass.” I had
indeed gained about fifteen to twenty pounds, but, in retrospect, I was
still looking all right. (I wish I
weighed now what I weighed when I only thought I was fat.) He said he didn’t believe that was all I
gained, so he made me get on a scale. I
repeat this: he made me get on a scale for verification. I want to go back and kick my own ass for
allowing this. And I kept dating
him.
Here’s
something else I’m totally ashamed to admit: he played Magic the
Gathering. Fucking Magic the
Gathering. I dated a guy who played
Magic the Gathering. I must repeat this for confirmation as I remain in
disbelief all these years later. Yeah, I’m a hater, but trust that it’s
justified. One day, he asked me to pass
him his case of cards, and I accidently dropped them. He lost it – absolutely, totally, completely
lost it. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard
such screeching in my life as I was declared the “stupidest fucking bitch
ever!” ever! EVER! And I kept dating
him.
One Friday
night, he went to a party out of town.
That same night, he slept with some girl he had just met. I found out
about this from a mutual friend. When
confronted, he defended himself by sharing, “But I had to. She looked just like Gwyneth Paltrow.” True story – he actually said that. Not so true story – she looked nothing like
Gwyneth Paltrow. When I told our mutual
friend of this reply, he laughed out loud, and informed me, “Gwyneth Paltrow my
ass! That girl was like 5’2” and 200
pounds. She had fucking Britney Spears
pig tails and a fucking Hello Kitty backpack.”
(Readers, remember that this event occurred about fifteen years ago when
cuckoo little Brit-Brit first came on the scene as a seductive school girl
begging to be hit one more time.) I
can’t say I was all that mad that he had “cheated” on me, because I really
didn’t give a shit about our relationship.
So, I still kept dating him.
I honestly
cannot remember what finally led to our break up. I can only assume whatever he said or did to
me was so horrific that my mind kindly chose to erase that memory when I later
suffered from a closed head injury. I do
remember him saying this though, as his weird ass way of bringing closure to
our relationship I suppose: “You know, it’s like this – sometimes you go to a
restaurant and everything on the menu looks good, so you order an appetizer
tray and an entrée. You eat all the
appetizers, and then when the entrée comes, you decide you really didn’t want
the whole meal. You’re not my main dish. You’re the appetizer tray.” So very eloquent and touching. Why did I ever let such a man get away from
me?
Fuck me; I
was a stupid girl. All fathers – please
rush home this instant to tell your daughter she is intelligent and beautiful
and worth way more than a comparison to some potato skins and onion peels. Ensure that she doesn’t step on a scale for
any man, and doesn’t stay with any one that would declare her a dumb
bitch. Fathers – be good to your
daughters. Don’t you dare let them date
dicks like I did – even if he asks her out for a sixth, seventh, or eighth
time. And fathers, mothers, sisters,
brothers, all good people of the earth – remember this always: Do as John Mayer
says and not as John Mayer does.
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