Most little girls have big dreams. When I was young, I was a highly overambitious child. At age six, I recorded five different aspirations for my future. I was going to be a mother, a teacher, an author, an actress, and … a supermodel. I now have two beautiful children, so I have accomplished my first goal; this was also always the most important goal to me. If I ever had to choose between having a career and being a mother, I would choose being a mother. Fortunately, women today aren’t forced to make such a choice. We can have it all; I also achieved my second and third aspirations and became a teacher and an author (although not currently earning compensation for either role).
You see, women can have it all … almost. It’s only almost because no one wants you to model when you’re 5’3” and over 150 pounds. I’m not even going to tell you my actual weight here; I will just say that it was a grand accomplishment two weeks ago when the Wii said I went from “obese” to simply “overweight.” That Wii Fit can be one mean bitch.
I let go of my modeling aspirations long before today though. Those probably ended around age eight or nine when I became more interested in books than beauty. However, I did grow up in the “middle of butt-fucking nowhere” (this was a popular saying, people – not my original expression). Therefore, I had to find ways to keep myself occupied. Women – admit that most of you did this too as young girls; you and your girlfriends, or your sisters if you had them, would glam yourselves up and have photo shoots just for fun.
My friend Karen and I were especially notorious for this. We also made lots of random home movies. I remember one home movie where we were having a race down a hill with two toys. She had a matchbox car, and I had a disconnected Barbie doll head. We filmed it in black and white and though it was some kind of art house/film school shit. It was really just atrocious nonsense.
My sister and I would also participate in these photo shoots to keep ourselves occupied when we didn’t want to be playing with our brothers (because they could both be total jerk-offs). As I was recently searching through old photo albums, I came across the gem of a photograph featured here. This was taken during one of those times when my sister and I entertained ourselves with cover girl delusions.
Here you see me doing my best “sexy librarian” pose. The comedy to the photo is in its irony. Take a closer look at the book I have open before me. You guessed it; that’s the bible. Nothing screams sexy like Leviticus or makes a man hard the way Exodus can. Yes – there’s a slight possibility I could be going to hell. Until then, stay tuned to Not Appropriate Angela because next week I will be wearing assless chaps to church.
Dear Lord, please forgive me.