Sinful Supermodel

Most little girls have big dreams.  When I was young, I was a highly overambitious child.  At age six, I recorded five different aspirations for my future.  I was going to be a mother, a teacher, an author, an actress, and … a supermodel.  I now have two beautiful children, so I have accomplished my first goal; this was also always the most important goal to me.  If I ever had to choose between having a career and being a mother, I would choose being a mother.  Fortunately, women today aren’t forced to make such a choice.  We can have it all; I also achieved my second and third aspirations and became a teacher and an author (although not currently earning compensation for either role). 

You see, women can have it all … almost.   It’s only almost because no one wants you to model when you’re 5’3” and over 150 pounds.  I’m not even going to tell you my actual weight here; I will just say that it was a grand accomplishment two weeks ago when the Wii said I went from “obese” to simply “overweight.”  That Wii Fit can be one mean bitch. 

I let go of my modeling aspirations long before today though.  Those probably ended around age eight or nine when I became more interested in books than beauty.  However, I did grow up in the “middle of butt-fucking nowhere” (this was a popular saying, people – not my original expression).  Therefore, I had to find ways to keep myself occupied.  Women – admit that most of you did this too as young girls; you and your girlfriends, or your sisters if you had them, would glam yourselves up and have photo shoots just for fun.

My friend Karen and I were especially notorious for this.  We also made lots of random home movies.  I remember one home movie where we were having a race down a hill with two toys.  She had a matchbox car, and I had a disconnected Barbie doll head.  We filmed it in black and white and though it was some kind of art house/film school shit.  It was really just atrocious nonsense. 

My sister and I would also participate in these photo shoots to keep ourselves occupied when we didn’t want to be playing with our brothers (because they could both be total jerk-offs).  As I was recently searching through old photo albums, I came across the gem of a photograph featured here. This was taken during one of those times when my sister and I entertained ourselves with cover girl delusions.

 

Here you see me doing my best “sexy librarian” pose.  The comedy to the photo is in its irony.  Take a closer look at the book I have open before me.  You guessed it; that’s the bible.  Nothing screams sexy like Leviticus or makes a man hard the way Exodus can.  Yes – there’s a slight possibility I could be going to hell.  Until then, stay tuned to Not Appropriate Angela because next week I will be wearing assless chaps to church.

 Dear Lord, please forgive me.