Complete strangers often approach me to tell me how absolutely adorable my children are. I typically accept such comments with deep pride. However, on three different occasions now, I have had unknown individuals tell me that my children are so cute that they can sympathize with kidnappers. That is not right, people. That is just not right.
In further news about not right comments regarding my children, this morning I had to see the doctor. I had both my son and daughter with me. While he was sleeping in his car seat, she was sitting on my lap giving the nurse smiles. My daughter is a blue-eyed, blonde haired little beauty with the most luscious, long eyelashes I have ever seen on an individual of any age. (No need for Latisse there.) So, the nurse was commenting on my daughter’s beautiful eyes and followed this remark with, “She is just so beautiful; you’re going to have to buy her a chastity belt.” My daughter is not even two years old. Way too early for that comment.
Is it possible for your kids to be too cute? Maybe I should stop bathing them and brushing their hair so that people stop saying weird shit to me. This most recent comment also created maternal concern of a different nature, so I determined it’s best if I start developing some dating rules right now. As one might rightly assume, the following set of rules have generally been born of my own bad experience.
1. Never, ever, date a guy who plays Magic the Gathering. He fucking loves that game more than he loves you. Trust me.
2. Do not continue to be “just friends” (aka fuck buddies) with a man for more than two years. This is not normal. If the relationship has not progressed by this time, you clearly both suffer from emotional damage. Move on. There will never be a genuine connection.
3. Unless you are camping or hiking, there is absolutely no reason your boyfriend should be carrying a canteen. This is fucking weird and that man is so not marriage material.
4. If he says he’s studying herbology, that dude is really on drugs. Stop dating him.
5. If you can relate to any of Avril Lavigne’s whiny lyrics, it is also time to move on. It’s not that “complicated”; just dump that dude.
6. Never settle for a sloppy sandwich. If he knows you, he will spread your peanut butter and jelly to the correct consistency. (This isn’t a euphemism for sex; I’m really just talking about bread here.) And if he ever dares use chunky when you like it creamy, it should be over. The point here is that you truly deserve someone who is attentive to you and your interests.
7. If he has more than ten ex-girlfriends, it’s not because he was waiting for you to come along. The problem is not that he just hasn’t found the right one; it’s the fact that he is a mega asshole. You will never fix that man; use your time to read a book instead.
8. You must RUN RIGHT NOW if he talks in his sleep and tells you he has multiple personalities, especially one whom is named Micah. Micah hates you and is determined to make your life miserable.
9. Homemade gifts are not sweet; they’re cheap. If he gives you a rock tied to a piece of yarn, and calls it a necklace, do not say “thank you” and accept that shit. This remains true even if he attempts to justify his “gift” by explaining that you resemble the rock in that you’re both unique and beautiful. The only exception to this rule is if that rock is a diamond. He can tie that shit to yarn, fishing line, or even dental floss. Then you do indeed say thank you, but also know that you don’t owe him anything.
10. He should meet your mother. By the time you’re old enough to begin dating, there’s an extremely high probability (like 110%) that you will be embarrassed by your mother. Suck it up and introduce me. I have developed a fairly strong ability to detect assholes.
Having established such rules, I accept there’s also a possibility you may like women. I think it’s probably too early to tell, just like it’s too early to mention the necessity of a chastity belt. If this should be the case, know that I will still love you, and you just might be better off because you can probably disregard some of the aforementioned rules. Most of the problems cited in these rules have only been attributed to people with penises. Why do think “dick” is synonymous with “jerk”? Nobody ever claims that his boss is a “total vagina.” But if you should ever meet the man who does, you should probably date him. He sounds delightful.