The Year We all Got More Dumber: 2013 in Review

As I sat down at my laptop this morning, Google kindly asked me if I would like to remember the moments of 2013.  My immediate internal response was a resounding NO.  Why would I? While 2013 was a year of calm and contentment in my personal life, the year in pop culture left much to be desired.

Last week, I began on the venture of creating an annual “best of” list.  Given that this little blog has survived over a year, I figured it was time to start some tradition around this place.  In 2012, I provided readers with an end of the year round-up of all things awesome, including Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl and Amy Poehler’s brilliant comedics.  In 2013, however, Parks and Recreation went and jumped the shark too and I read the worst damn book ever published – ever (here’s a clue …  Holy Crap - it was awful).  Thus, as I set about creating my own year in review, I severely struggled to find any moment in the media worthy of recognition.  Due to my toils, there are two results: 1) I failed to publish this year in review during 2013. Whatever. Lay off. 2) This list offers a twist and provides quite different categories than the traditional “best of” I had hoped to create. Enjoy!

Most Misogynistic Music Video

I do believe the winner is clear here, so all hail Robin Thicke for his thoroughly obscene video to the admittedly catchy hot single of the summer, “Blurred Lines.” I know the video is intended to get your heart pulsing a bit as you imagine sexy, sultry scenes of desire in your head.  However, Robin looks far too much like his father Alan and, hence, even with beautiful naked women shimmying about him, I keep picturing Dr. Seaver and the children of Growing Pains.  I miss cute, wholesome little Kirk Cameron.

 

Most Obnoxious Viral Video

If you did the Harlem Shake this year or tried Prancercise, you know that web videos often created more buzz than the stars of major cinema.  Forget Iron Man; there’s Bat Dad.  2013 was also the year when we had one of the biggest mysteries of the world answered: What does the fox say?  Yes, Ylvis takes home the top honor as the most obnoxious viral video of 2013.  You couldn’t get away from this video, and it produced quite the repugnant accompanying ear-worm as well.  In addition, it spawned a whole host of parodies, tee shirts, and even a children’s book.  No book should ever have a cover that reads “based on the popular you tube video.” Ugh.  

 

Most OMG Miley Cyrus Moment

No matter what kind of stunt Miley pulls this year, I promise this will be my only mention of her in 2014.  Can we all resolve the same?  We need to stop giving this misguided little girl so much attention for her shenanigans, but having said that, all eyes were on Miley in 2013.  Miley had her tongue sticking out and her ass hanging out all over the place, like at the Amsterdam awards show where she also lit a joint on stage.  Of course, though, nothing tops her pornographic performance at the MTV VMAs.  It was during this performance that she also licked the ass of a giant teddy bear and used a foam finger as a dildo.  Keep it classy, Miley, keep it classy. 

 

Biggest Jack-Ass Joke of a Politician

2013 certainly left us no shortage of total jack-ass, sleazy, corrupt, partisan games playing, dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks politicians.  Where do I begin? Perhaps with Anthony Weiner and his “package,” seemingly oblivious to the fact that it’s unfavorable to send dick pics to strangers when you’re in the public eye, or, you know, ever.  We were also thoroughly impressed with the brilliant minds of our political leaders when Ted Cruz decided to entertain us with Dr. Seuss during his September “filibuster.”  Marco Rubio got thirsty, Obama got his web site all kinds of wrong, and don’t even get me started on that cry-baby John Boehner.  But, none of these men could possibly compete with the biggest jack-ass politician of them all: Rob Ford.  You totally earned this title, buddy.  I don’t even know where to begin with this crack-smoking, belligerent mess, so I kindly direct you to this awesome compilation of Rob Ford’s greatest moments.  Don’t worry about him, folks, he’s “got plenty to eat at home.” Eeewwwww.

Biggest Mindless Time Suck

Candy Crush.  Need I say more?  Yes, yes, I must indeed say more.  I must say: “Fuck you, Candy Crush. Fuck you.  I could have been so productive in 2013 were it not for your addictive nature.”  I sure as shit hope I accomplish something greater than beating level 378 in only 12 moves in 2014. I am a pathetic mess, but apparently I’m not alone as Candy Crush earns $928,408 in estimated daily revenue and gets 98,387 daily installs. We’re a sad lot, ‘Murica. We all need to get our shit together in 2014.

 

 

And one last thing … fuck you too, Justin Timberlake, for failing to help me reach my 2013 resolutions. You didn’t even follow me back on twitter.  Whatev. I’m so over you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WTF, JT?

While sitting in the passenger seat of my vehicle, with my husband driving, I recently heard the local disc jockey share a story of a Michigan girl enamored with pop superstar, Bruno Mars.  This young high school girl reportedly posted a video of herself covering one of Mars’ songs in hopes of getting Mars to attend her junior prom as her date.  My first thought was that Bruno Mars is a grown-ass man, so while this would be a rush for the young girl, it also borders on criminal. 

After this very rapid thought, which I quickly dismissed as it wasn’t worth fretting over, I then became consumed with my own relatively related celebrity desire.  I then loudly yelled out, “What the fuck?!?”  My husband promptly turned to quizzically look at me.  What was my issue?  Was I angry about some situation I was internally obsessing over?  Did he do something to upset me before leaving the home?  What just happened?  Did I see some disturbing scene along the sides of the back road?  No, no, none of this, I assured him.  I was angered by the story on the radio, I explained.  “Bruno Mars is thinking about taking this girl to prom, and Justin Timberlake continues to ignore my requests.” 

He laughed at me, and then asked if I was talking about my short list and my insane New Year’s resolutions.  This was precisely what I was talking about.  “Angela,” he said, “How the hell is Justin Timberlake supposed to know you want to fuck him?”  I very calmly replied, assuming myself to be perfectly rational and sane, that I had shared my posts with Justin Timberlake via twitter.

“Really?” my husband asked, acting as though this may have been an odd thing to do. 

“Yeah, of course,” I continued. “And if Bruno Mars is going to take some seventeen year old to prom, why the hell won’t JT respond to my requests for fucking?”  I sounded seriously distraught over his lack of response. 

“I like to remind him every so often that he can be a celebrity hero and help me reach my resolutions,” I added, thinking of my tweet the previous night.

@jtimberlake: As I haven’t recently reminded you, please recall the offer to assist with my resolutions still stands.

“A hero?  What is wrong with you?  I don’t think helping someone with their short list makes a celebrity a hero.”

“Well, whatever.  It’s like my make a wish.”

“Why would you get a make a wish?  You’re not sick.”

“The fuck I’m not.  How come only physically ill kids get to make wishes?  What about the mentally ill?”

“The mentally ill make wishes to have celebrities fuck them and become best friends with dead authors, like your damn resolutions.  That’s why they don’t get wishes.”

“Whatever,” I said, and then dismissed my husband and began to write this post in my head.  I thought that I needed to come up with something grander than a blog post or a few creepy tweets to get JT to take notice of me.  

I started to envision making my own you tube video of myself performing “Bringing Sexy Back.”  This young girl was potentially getting a celebrity prom date because she sang one of the artist’s songs on you tube.  I could do that, but not well.  Although I’ma rock star in my own mind, I do also acknowledge how painful and embarrassing a you tube video performance of “Bringing Sexy Back” would be.  Train wreck. Total train wreck. 

People love watching wrecks though.  Admit it, your favorite part of American Idol, and similar shows, is all the early auditions of the bat shit-crazy delusional artists, like William Hung singing Ricky Martin.  So, I figured I would go ahead and do it – but only if you all help me out. I explained my ludicrous plan of action to my husband.  I said I can ask other bloggers and friends to help me out by tweeting Justin Timberlake and telling him to make my resolution a reality.   I said I would ask you all to use the hash tag #fuckmejt, and I would post the video if Justin Timberlake received at least 500 tweets demanding his hot little ass pay me some attention.

Sometimes I say such stupid shit that my husband just kind of gives up on me.  Therefore, after I had explained my plan to make a you tube video if I got enough people to tweet #fuckmejt, he simply replied, “Okay, whatever.  I’m going to go give the kids a bath.”  Without him around, I was then left alone and had to convince myself that I was crazy and had just concocted what was potentially the worst plan ever. 

All the same, I’m still left asking: “What the fuck, JT?” I’m willing to tone my request down a bit, if that’s what it takes.  I can work with “heavy petting” (a term my grandmother used).  At the very least, JT, can’t you just send me a penis pic?  That’s not weird or gross anymore; it’s standard fare for politicians and athletes.  I bet Bruno Mars would do it.

 

Bring your sexy to me, JT!