As I sat down at my laptop this morning, Google kindly asked
me if I would like to remember the moments of 2013. My immediate internal response was a
resounding NO. Why would I? While 2013
was a year of calm and contentment in my personal life, the year in pop culture
left much to be desired.
Last week, I began on the venture of creating an annual “best
of” list. Given that this little blog
has survived over a year, I figured it was time to start some tradition around
this place. In 2012, I provided readers
with an end of the year round-up of all things awesome, including Gillian Flynn’s
Gone Girl and Amy Poehler’s brilliant comedics.
In 2013, however, Parks and Recreation went and jumped the shark too and
I read the worst damn book ever published – ever (here’s a clue … Holy
Crap - it was awful). Thus, as I set
about creating my own year in review, I severely struggled to find any moment
in the media worthy of recognition. Due
to my toils, there are two results: 1) I failed to publish this year in review
during 2013. Whatever. Lay off. 2) This list offers a twist and provides quite
different categories than the traditional “best of” I had hoped to create.
Enjoy!
Most Misogynistic
Music Video
I do believe the winner is clear here, so all hail Robin
Thicke for his thoroughly obscene video to the admittedly catchy hot single of
the summer, “Blurred Lines.” I know the video is intended to get your heart
pulsing a bit as you imagine sexy, sultry scenes of desire in your head. However, Robin looks far too much like his
father Alan and, hence, even with beautiful naked women shimmying about him, I
keep picturing Dr. Seaver and the children of Growing Pains. I miss cute,
wholesome little Kirk Cameron.
Most Obnoxious
Viral Video
If you did the Harlem Shake this year or tried Prancercise,
you know that web videos often created more buzz than the stars of major
cinema. Forget Iron Man; there’s Bat Dad.
2013 was also the year when we had one of the biggest mysteries of the
world answered: What does the fox say?
Yes, Ylvis takes home the top honor as the most obnoxious viral video of
2013. You couldn’t get away from this
video, and it produced quite the repugnant accompanying ear-worm as well. In addition, it spawned a whole host of
parodies, tee shirts, and even a children’s book. No book should ever have a cover that reads “based
on the popular you tube video.” Ugh.
Most OMG Miley
Cyrus Moment
No matter what kind of stunt Miley pulls this year, I
promise this will be my only mention of her in 2014. Can we all resolve the same? We need to stop giving this misguided little
girl so much attention for her shenanigans, but having said that, all eyes were
on Miley in 2013. Miley had her tongue
sticking out and her ass hanging out all over the place, like at the Amsterdam
awards show where she also lit a joint on stage. Of course, though, nothing tops her
pornographic performance at the MTV VMAs.
It was during this performance that she also licked the ass of a giant
teddy bear and used a foam finger as a dildo.
Keep it classy, Miley, keep it classy.
Biggest Jack-Ass
Joke of a Politician
2013 certainly left us no shortage of total jack-ass,
sleazy, corrupt, partisan games playing, dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks politicians. Where do I begin? Perhaps with Anthony Weiner
and his “package,” seemingly oblivious to the fact that it’s unfavorable to
send dick pics to strangers when you’re in the public eye, or, you know, ever.
We were also thoroughly impressed with the brilliant minds of our
political leaders when Ted Cruz decided to entertain us with Dr. Seuss during
his September “filibuster.” Marco Rubio
got thirsty, Obama got his web site all kinds of wrong, and don’t even get me
started on that cry-baby John Boehner.
But, none of these men could possibly compete with the biggest jack-ass politician
of them all: Rob Ford. You totally
earned this title, buddy. I don’t even
know where to begin with this crack-smoking, belligerent mess, so I kindly
direct you to this awesome compilation of Rob Ford’s greatest moments. Don’t worry about him, folks, he’s “got
plenty to eat at home.” Eeewwwww.
Biggest Mindless
Time Suck
Candy Crush. Need I
say more? Yes, yes, I must indeed say
more. I must say: “Fuck you, Candy
Crush. Fuck you. I could have been so
productive in 2013 were it not for your addictive nature.” I sure as shit hope I accomplish something greater
than beating level 378 in only 12 moves in 2014. I am a pathetic mess, but
apparently I’m not alone as Candy Crush earns $928,408 in estimated daily
revenue and gets 98,387 daily installs. We’re a sad lot, ‘Murica. We all need
to get our shit together in 2014.
And one last thing … fuck you too, Justin Timberlake, for failing to help me reach my 2013 resolutions. You didn’t even follow me back on twitter. Whatev. I’m so over you.
LMAO I love the thing about Justin Timberlake.
ReplyDelete