Friday, January 31, 2014

Buzz Feed, You Just Get Me

My therapist once asked  what I believe to be my primary coping skills.  My first reply was wine (of course). I then cited a long, hot bath with a good book, and random, mindless games or similar web searching.  Wine, a bath, and a book often do work wonderfully to cure depression or stress.  However, when anxiety also arises, I find myself unable to concentrate, so I frequently turn to sleep and mind-numbing activity to cope.  Such behaviors are an attempt to stop my brain from coursing rapidly through every single worse-case scenario one could possibly imagine. 

Satan's Children: Nightmares will ensue.
Given my extremely high levels of anxiety this past week, I ended up wasting a lot of time scrolling through hours of useless trending information on the interwebs.  I saw that damn mash-up of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus’s face so many times that it appeared in my nightmares.  I learned what super bowl ads to watch for this coming weekend (because that’s important).  I also passed through several levels in god-damn, relationship- ruining Candy Crush, ensuring that there is now only one person on my friend list who has also passed the Soda Swamp.  Believe me, I recognize how pathetic said activity sounds, but it does indeed succeed in temporarily distracting me from the anxiety and depression. 

Aside : Anna Kendrick is expected to have a hilarious ad for Newcastle Brown Ale.  Just thought I should give you all the head's up.  You're welcome.

Me and Kanye: We're basically soul mates.
While my tedious time sucks served to divert my anxiety, an additional bonus is that I just so happened to learn several eye-opening (sarcasm font) things about myself this week thanks to multiple Buzz Feed quizzes.  First of all, I took the all-important self-concept affirming quiz, “Which Pop Diva are you?” Turns out I am Rihanna.  Who knew? Because “sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me” (except not really).  I then was so relieved to finally have an answer to the one question I have been pondering my entire life: "Which Rapper are You?" Of course you guessed it right. Yes, I'm Kanye because I "need to relax and accept that not everyone recognizes your amazing talent." Aint' that the truth, yo? I feel ya, Yeezus, I feel ya.
You might also be interested to know that if I were an 80s pop hit, I would be Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” because: “Sometimes you feel like a misunderstood outsider, but everyone adores you when you let down your guard and show them your sensitive side.”  Isn’t it so true, folks? You do love me when I’m vulnerable, and I thank you for that too. I also discovered, of equally high importance, that if I were a sandwich, I would be a grilled cheese.  I don’t even know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. 

But, alas, that is not all I gathered of myself.  Indeed, there’s even more; I told you I squandered a lot of fucking time this week.  If I were a dog, I would be a corgi. Hmmm …  I must admit I didn’t expect this one; I have always imagined myself as more of a Labrador.  All the same, I was quite pleased with the logic as, apparently, like the corgi, I “know how to be myself at all times without apology.”  In addition, the corgi and I also both have a “cute tush.”  I do have a cute booty, Buzz Feed! OMG!

Finally, here is the most paramount self-discovery I acquired from Buzz Feed all week (and, again, I spent like a shit-load of time there):  I should be a writer.  Yes, Buzz Feed! Thank you for this affirmation! Yes!

What Career Should You Actually Have?

You are a maker. Creative from the day you were born, you spend most of your time thinking about the world you live in. You are open to new ideas and value beauty and originality more than most. We both know you’re not really the office type, so give yourself some room to create. Other occupations: director, producer, advertiser.

I’m constantly having a discussion with others (and more frequently, in my own head) about how I might finally be ready to trust myself and attempt to make a career out of writing.  I do suppose I am already a writer per se, but I have never been paid, so it doesn’t really count, right?  I genuinely aspire to become an author, but that dream also terrifies me and prevents me from truly trying. 

But Buzz Feed has now changed everything! Now that this highly intellectually esteemed site has informed me I’m like a kick-ass grilled cheese sandwich with a cute corgi tush, I believe! Thanks, interwebs! I’m so glad you sucked me into hours of random, mindless quizzes because once I’m a successful author, I won’t need to cope with Candy Crush no more.  No more, sister, no more.  I’m retaining wine as a coping skill though.  Whether or not I obtain publication, you can be certain that I’m forever clinging to my wine.
    And now, for your listening pleasure ...
                                             It's just so me, right?  Buzz Feed, you're  a genius.




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