Friday, August 31, 2012

Here Comes the End of Civilization

I was sorely disappointed when I only got one “like” for the following facebook status: “I’m adding Sugar Bear to my short list.”  I can only assume that most of my facebook friends aren’t watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  If you are reading this now and you’re not watching this show yet either, you need to be watching that shit.  It’s so wonderful that one television critic even referred to it as “the end of civilization.”  With a claim like that, viewers are bound to be at least a little bit curious.
Whether your curiosity has been peeked or not, I’ll give you a brief breakdown on Honey Boo Boo.  This intellectually stimulating program is a spin-off of Toddlers and Tiaras, where viewers first met the oddly adorable six-year-old Alana, an overweight glitz beauty pageant contestant fully loaded with spunk and sass. The show gained its title when this six-year-old declared, with full head tilt and finger snap, “a dolla make me hollah honey boo boo child.” 
Alana also makes reference to her go-go juice, a cocktail of Mountain Dew and Red Bull, hopefully enabling her to win the ultimate grand supreme.  Don’t blame Mama too quickly though.  Despite the distribution of this beauty queen blend, Alana’s mother June is shockingly calm in comparison to most pageant mothers. Have you seen these women?  Bitches be crazy.  One mother was pumping her daughter full of sugar cubes like they were crack cocaine.
I realize that at this point, you may still be wondering, “But who the hell is Sugar Bear?” Sugar Bear is Alana’s father, a soft-spoken, poorly groomed, self-proclaimed redneck of seemingly low intelligence, but who also possesses incredible patience.  Unfortunately, I’m probably not Sugar Bear’s type because I don’t have “forklift foot.”  Again, you need to be watching this shit.
Truth be told, Sugar Bear is not on my list.  I said that because I’m a bitch … and for the likes of course.  My tendency to be a bitch is the same reason I enjoy watching this show; my husband says I suffer from “Bitch Tourette's” (very PC, I know).  So, for some awful, elitist reason, laughing at these people that seemingly have a less fortunate life than mine entertains me.  At least I can admit to that.  If these were my actual neighbors, I might feel worse for judging them for participating in an activity called “The Redneck Games,” which involves such activities as bobbing for pig’s feet.  Might. But the fact that I don’t really know these folks, and they’ve put their simultaneously hilarious and disastrous lives on television, allows me to fictionalize them so I don’t feel as bad when I find it funny that going to the Old Country Buffet is considered a romantic evening.
So, Sugar Bear is not on my short list because I would at least expect to be taken to the Olive Garden.  I excuse you if you didn’t initially know who Sugar Bear was, but if you’re still wondering what a short list is, I’m wondering how you grew up. Were you not exposed to the world? Did your parents keep you held up in their basement? Did you grow up on a diet of pancakes and pizza, as those were the only food items they could slide under the locked door? 
If you’re not yet doing so, you also need to be following me as you can expect to soon be enlightened regarding the short list … with more than you want to know.  Stay tuned.

And check out the show here:


  1. I was thinking about getting Honey Boo Boo ring tone for my phone but decided it would probably cause me to smash my smartphone like a redheaded stepchild.

  2. My wife showed me a clip of Honey Boo Boo, and that was all I needed. I don't understand why people would tune into that shit every week. It kind of makes my nutsack shrivel a bit.