This morning my facebook status read: “No matter what … I still have the love of my family, and that is the biggest blessing of all.” A lot of people “liked” this comment, far more than normally do when I have a status update that I think is fucking hilarious beyond belief, but really only amuses me and two of my other sick-minded friends.
I am absolutely sticking to this morning’s status; it's fact that my family is awesome and I am blessed. I feel fairly certain that most of my friends didn't ponder this update and merely interpreted my message as a plain positive comment, but of course there was an unexpressed origin for this update.
I told very few people this, but a full time teaching position opened up with my former employer, and I applied. Only my IRL (in real life … I just learned that shit like two weeks ago) friends know what a BFD (big fucking deal -- I'm learning all sorts of lingo) this action is, and it’s not something I will go into detail about here. That may come at a later date, but now is not an appropriate time for several reasons. Of course, this whole damn blog is inappropriate … but still.
I was told I would hear about the decision today. Hence, my “no matter what" comment. I had to tell myself that whether I was offered a job or not, I already have incredible happiness in my life. That’s true, and they can’t take that away from me. Here’s a few other “no matter what” realities:
No matter what … I have a God who loves me and appears to have more faith in me than many have in him.
No matter what … I have a spouse who adores me, and will stroke my hair, massage my feet, and give me wonderful, warm hugs at exactly the right moment. Really, he is amazing with a capital A!
No matter what … I have a mother and father who support me even when I’m suffering. My dad helps with my home and vehicles; my mother helps with the children and still makes meals. I am grateful for them every single day.
No matter what … I have the most beautiful, adoring children in the whole entire world. That might be hyperbolic to you, but it’s the truth for me. They are my life, my joy, my everything. I can’t imagine living without them.
No matter what … I know that I have incredible skill and talent, even if others refuse to see it.
No matter what … I have some of the best damn friends in the world. They are generous and supportive and constantly remind me that I am kind, good, and worthy.
No matter what … I have the sun, the sky, trees, air to breathe … all things that I am truly thankful for.
No matter what … I have a resilient, indestructible spirit.
And so, I wasn’t chosen once again … and this does indeed make me want to puke, cry, or punch something. Instead, I’m going to write because I didn’t do it yesterday. I didn't write yesterday because I simply could not; rather I spent all night weighing pros and cons, obsessing over my decision should an offer be extended. And today, I realized that in the absence of that environment, I had found an outlet and a talent that I love. My writing is this outlet, and I strongly believe this not only serves me, but truly benefits others as well. After this actualization I came up with one more very important “no matter what.”
No matter what … I will not allow anyone to silence my voice EVER again!