“I’ve poisoned people. I’ve shot them. I stabbed my last boyfriend in front of his
mother,” begins the teaser for the new season of Mob Wives on VH1. Naturally,
this teaser led me to the following conclusion: “Damn, I want to be a mob wife.”
When I announced this aloud while lying on the couch
yesterday afternoon, my husband glanced back at me with slight confusion and
apprehension. Neither one of us has
actually ever watched this show before.
Our only previous knowledge of this reality show comes from clips of Big
Ang that have been ridiculed by Joel McHale on The Soup.
However, after watching the teaser for tonight’s season
premiere, I was seriously geared up. I’m
still not going to watch this show – but I want to be a pseudo-celebrity
because I’m a “crazy psycho bitch.” Those
women look fucking fabulous. I don’t
mean this in regards to appearances. In that
regard, they look like scary plastic monsters whose collagen plumped lips are
threatening to consume their whole faces.
I mean their over the top personalities and constant drama are oddly
fascinating and desirable.
So, damn, I want to be a mob wife. I want to utter phrases such as, “I want to
rip off her face like a bath-salt zombie.” That’s some hard shit right there, and these
bitches are making bank for being straight crazy. You want me to rip off someone’s face like a
bath-salt zombie? Okay; I have a price.
Unfortunately, I’m not exactly sure how to properly imitate the behavior
of a bath-salt zombie.
Therefore, I looked that shit up on Urban Dictionary, as any
sane person would naturally do. Am I
right? According to Urban Dictionary, a bath salt zombie is an individual who
does bath salts as a drug and then goes around chewing homeless people’s faces
off. A bath salt zombie can only be
stopped by eleven bullets to the body.
Okay, nevermind, I don’t have a price because I’m not interested in
taking any bullets.
There are many other ‘glamorous’ (adjective open to
interpretation here) aspects of being a mob wife, though. The wife whose husband has landed his ass in
prison for the longest amount of time, who has the most estranged children, who
has the most severe alcohol problem, who has the most plastic surgery, who
yells the loudest, and will cut a bitch without a moment’s hesitation wins.
She gets the biggest celebrity, her own possible spin off and a life of ‘luxury.’
Sign me up, bitches.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not really. Those women kind of scare
me.
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