“I’ve poisoned people. I’ve shot them. I stabbed my last boyfriend in front of his mother,” begins the teaser for the new season of Mob Wives on VH1. Naturally, this teaser led me to the following conclusion: “Damn, I want to be a mob wife.”
When I announced this aloud while lying on the couch yesterday afternoon, my husband glanced back at me with slight confusion and apprehension. Neither one of us has actually ever watched this show before. Our only previous knowledge of this reality show comes from clips of Big Ang that have been ridiculed by Joel McHale on The Soup.
However, after watching the teaser for tonight’s season premiere, I was seriously geared up. I’m still not going to watch this show – but I want to be a pseudo-celebrity because I’m a “crazy psycho bitch.” Those women look fucking fabulous. I don’t mean this in regards to appearances. In that regard, they look like scary plastic monsters whose collagen plumped lips are threatening to consume their whole faces. I mean their over the top personalities and constant drama are oddly fascinating and desirable.
So, damn, I want to be a mob wife. I want to utter phrases such as, “I want to rip off her face like a bath-salt zombie.” That’s some hard shit right there, and these bitches are making bank for being straight crazy. You want me to rip off someone’s face like a bath-salt zombie? Okay; I have a price. Unfortunately, I’m not exactly sure how to properly imitate the behavior of a bath-salt zombie.
Therefore, I looked that shit up on Urban Dictionary, as any sane person would naturally do. Am I right? According to Urban Dictionary, a bath salt zombie is an individual who does bath salts as a drug and then goes around chewing homeless people’s faces off. A bath salt zombie can only be stopped by eleven bullets to the body. Okay, nevermind, I don’t have a price because I’m not interested in taking any bullets.
There are many other ‘glamorous’ (adjective open to interpretation here) aspects of being a mob wife, though. The wife whose husband has landed his ass in prison for the longest amount of time, who has the most estranged children, who has the most severe alcohol problem, who has the most plastic surgery, who yells the loudest, and will cut a bitch without a moment’s hesitation wins. She gets the biggest celebrity, her own possible spin off and a life of ‘luxury.’ Sign me up, bitches.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not really. Those women kind of scare me.