Friday, October 11, 2013

A Flawed Understanding

I like to maintain that the reason I remain overweight is a service to my children, who like to rest their tiny little heads on Momma’s soft belly.  I was once told by my now nine-year-old niece that I make a better pillow than her own Mommy, so I guess I have that going for me. 

Last night, my two-year-old daughter was resting her sleepy head on my stomach when she asked, “Mommy, did I live in your belly?”

I most certainly did not expect my two-year-old to already have questions about the reproductive process, but I answered her none the less, “Yes you did, honey.  You lived in Mommy’s belly once.”

“Isaac too?” she then asked sweetly.  Yes, I confirmed, her younger brother had also lived inside Mommy’s belly.

“Can I go back in?” she asked.  I’m not precisely sure how such a process would happen, but I am certain it’s not a procedure I wish to explore the possibility of. 

“No, silly girl,” I told my daughter, who was smiling and giggling at me, “You’re too big now.”

“Oh, okay, I too big now,” she said, and gave me a hug before placing her hands on my belly and asking, “Well, what in there now?”

I’ve been mistaken as pregnant before, and it is never a fun occurrence.  This was just an innocent question and I’m sure she didn’t mean to imply anything, but I was still offended.  Apparently my stomach looked some kind of storage locker to my young daughter.

“Nothing,” I explained, “nothing’s in Mommy’s belly right now.” 

“Yeah, there’s something,” she disagreed with me.  “There’s a Jeep in your belly!”

A Jeep in my belly? What the fuck?  I’m overweight, it’s true, but I sure as hell hope it doesn’t look like I can transport fucking automobiles around in my muffin top.  Also, should I be concerned about the mental health of my daughter?  Do I need to contact some services? A Jeep in my belly?!?

I disguised these thoughts from my daughter, and then joked, “Well, won’t your Grandpa be so very happy to know I can now birth Jeeps.”  He often spends hours looking at Jeeps and SUVs on Craigslist, and now he needn’t spend the money as apparently he could expect a new off road vehicle in about three to nine months (my daughter didn’t clarify an expected due date, so I was unsure if I was in my first or third trimester).

“Yay! A Jeep!” she exclaimed, and bounced up and down on the bed.  “Let’s call Grandpa!” 

I did her bidding then and dialed the phone.  When my father picked up, she said, in her little pip-squeak voice, which can often be hard to understand over the phone, “Hi Grandpa! Momma got a Jeep in her belly!” 

“What? Huh?” he replied.

When I translated, and then explained the nature of her bizarre phone call, he said, “Hmmm. Okay. Well, you two are weirdoes.  See you later.” 

In addition to being a little weirdo, as so cited by her grandfather, I do believe my daughter also has a rather flawed understanding of human physiology.

As for me, I must now consider a name for my expectant Jeep.  I’m assuming that Jeeps are male by nature, so I’m considering Michael.  Any other suggestions for a boy’s name?  And, if you birth it yourself, do you think it’s moral to then sell your newborn automobile?  I could really use the money.  Hmmmm ….


  1. HA! If you find a way to give birth to Jeeps, can I please have a black one? I used to have a white one, back in the day...but it caught on fire (for real). Too funny. Luckily, my son hasn't said anything like this to me. Yet.

    1. Oh no. Sorry about your Jeep catching fire. I'll let you know should I actually birth an automobile.

  2. A jeep is relatively small so I guess it's better that she said that then, say, an Escalade or Hummer or some equally big monstrosity. It's all about the spin! :-)

    1. What a positive perspective, yes! Thank goodness it's not a damn Hummer!