Much of my young adulthood and womanhood was accompanied and
impacted by female musical artists.
Alanis Morissette was key among these as I drove around my tiny town aggressively
singing along to “You Oughta Know.” When
I walked away from my first marriage, I sat in my friend’s car listening to
Alanis once again and realized how sorry I was that I had lost my identity to
that relationship, relating far too much to the lyrics of “That Particular
Time.” I also felt assurance that my
current relationship would endure as he was and is the man Alanis describes in “Everything.”
This past weekend, as I traveled across the state solo, I
first loaded up my disc changer with that identifying music of my youth. Without the children along, I would not be
required to listen to The Fresh Beat Band and I could once again enjoy my favorite
musical women – Alanis, Tori, Fiona, Dar, Aimee, and their kin. Thanks to Alanis, I realized that I was
making “Excuses” in regards to my writing.
If you are not already aware, I recently decided and announced that I
would be taking a possibly permanent hiatus from this blog. This decision was made due to the discovery
of, and response to, this blog by an unintended audience of younger viewers
over whom I have some influence. I want that
influence to be positive, and it was suggested to me by individuals of elevated
position that perhaps some of the content, particularly the cursing, portrayed
me in a negative light, devastatingly disabling my ability to be a positive
influence.
My desire to be a positive role model is absolutely sincere
and it largely impacted my recent (clearly reversed) decision. However, that wasn’t the only reason I made
that decision. I was annoyed, and
frustrated, and scared. I was sick of
listening to the snarky comments made at barely audible levels when my back was
turned. I was sick of the disapproving looks
by individuals who clearly had not taken the time to read the whole of my work,
and understand all that I truly represent.
I was worried about my reputation and quitting was easy; it was safe and
soft and I wouldn’t have to be strong and bursting with courage and
conviction. Alanis reminded me however,
that while my excuses and my abandonment of my passion might have kept me safe,
it would also keep me stuck. I’m tired
of being scared. I’m tired of being so
damn good at sabotaging my fantasies. I
could teach that skill in fewer than Alanis’ “Eight Easy Steps.”
I know it’s going to be difficult and sometimes terrifying
to remain exposed through my writing. I
know the whispers and glances will remain, but they were likely to persist
regardless. I cannot control how others
will react to my words, and I know this now (thanks, Maggie). What I do know, and have struggled with for
some time (evidence abounds), is that my blog title has become an absolute misrepresentation
of myself and my work, and it falsely steers folks toward negative
judgment. This blog will change its
title and appearance, but I will not
change. When friends and followers responded to my announcement, it was with
disappointment and acknowledgment that I have been an inspiration by being
authentic and unapologetic. In my mind,
the ability to know one self, and own every success and struggle, is the mark of
an upright role model. The fact that I
curse on my blog need not necessarily make me a negative influence. I’m not promoting rampant foul language; I still
cringe when my husband mumbles “shit” in front of our kids when he trips on the
rug (he does this a lot – why is he so clumsy?).
I do promote courage in the face of outstanding struggle, forgiveness
of one’s self for past lapses, the ability to stand up when everyone else
is sitting down, the passion and will to follow your dreams despite failure or
judgment, and the will to rise and be resolute repeatedly.
When I led my own classroom, in addition to
knowledge of allusions, iambic pentameter, post-modernism, literary analysis,
and the like, I am certain I also instilled lessons of empowerment and
passion. I led my students to be true to
themselves, to stand up for what they believe in, and to be brave in the face
of hardship. If I were to silence my own
voice, those lessons would now ring false.
I know I am not a perfect role model; I don’t know anyone who meets that
definition. However, I know myself and I
am going to continue to represent every aspect of that self. I am a positive inspiration, and I know this
as my truth even if other vistas are in opposition. I’m cheerful, impassioned, and kind. I can also be angry, bitter, and
enraged. Sometimes I speak sweet poetry
and sometimes I spew outrageous curses.
These elements are not mutually exclusive. The most beautiful and fascinating people are
a tapestry of roles and adjectives. I am
a mother, a sister, a best friend, a teacher, a smart-ass, a bitch. I am strong sometimes and I am scared
others. I am also willing to let my
readers see all these sides of me because words
can make a difference. They have the
power to inspire and comfort. I want the
world to know that we don’t need to hide our ugly parts and we don’t need to pretend. I write to connect and relate, and I strongly
believe that’s why most individuals read this blog. Therefore, in a reversal of my previous
decision, my voice will not be muted and I won’t just walk away from my
writing.
Alanis is also correct when she sings “you live you learn;
you love you learn; you cry you learn.”
This blog is an expression of that learning. I may have done as Alanis advised at some
times by “sticking your foot in your mouth at any time,” but I’m not really sorry. Alanis also told me “we could just hide our
heads in the sand, just call it quits.”
I won’t be that women though. I
might become temporarily entangled in struggle and doubt, but I will get back
up. The mistake is not in the falling
down. Failure only comes in the staying
down. My head is out of the sand. I know who I am, and that woman is genuine
and good, so she won’t be silenced and ashamed.
