Diving in Deep

Whatever you do in this life, you should do it well.To fully realize such a rule, this often requires the acquisition of some new skill or knowledge.For example, when I was bartender, I wished to do my job well and therefore sought to familiarize myself with many new drink recipes. Even though I tended bar in Northern Wisconsin and therefore primarily served brandy and cola, and had to open a lot of bottles of beer, I still had committed quite the library of martini recipes to my memory.I should probably admit I liked vodka, so said recipes were used for personal more than professional use.Regardless, I committed myself fully and gained new knowledge and skills.I would also like to boast that I received recognition as “Bartender of the Year” for 2006 in our local newspaper.Okay, I did vote for myself more than once.

In my life, I have also committed myself to education.When I completed a university course entitled “Major Authors: Jane Austen,” I immersed myself in her literature.I read not only the required texts, but all of her novels. Of course I aced the class and was thoroughly praised by my professor. I also fell so ardently in love with her writing then that I later named my dog Darcy and gave my first child the middle name Jane.You will be happy to know that my first child was a daughter.

I’ve become a student of almost every position I’ve held in my life, hobby I started, or any pastime I participated in.To demonstrate this to its fullest extent, I even bought a few books on better sex after I first became active.I never received any “of the year” award or grade for this activity, but I’m pretty damn sure I absolutely excelled at this too, with or without the literature I had purchased.In fact, I don’t think those books helped one bit – and I never even fully read the book I bought about tantric sex. I don’t know why I bought that; I think Sting must have still been quite popular at the time.In my thirties now, I think tantric sex just seems like a chore. That requires a lot of clearing up of your schedule.At any rate, the point is that I have a personality that generally dives very deeply into all that I do, so why would this project be an exception?

For this blog, then, I had to begin by acquiring the proper knowledge for success.I conducted some research online, and discovered (to promptly ignore most of) the following advice from an article titled “Starting a Blog in 2012? Avoid these Seven New Blogger Blunders”:

1.  Making Your Blog All About You

The article suggests that the majority of your content be about a subject other than one’s self.I was about to end my research right here because I thought (actually I may have verbally vocalized this aloud to the computer screen), “Fuck you. I’m fascinating.” The author offers such advice so that the blogger might expand his or her audience base as ultimately “You might be the author, but the blog exists because of your readers.”This does appear to be wise advice, but I can be selfish. I feel like Adam Sandler’s character in The Wedding Singer: “I have the microphone, so you will listen to every damn word I say” (something very similar was said to friends and family when I gave a toast at my sister’s wedding).

2.  Writing About Every Topic Under The Sun

Here, the author suggests that you pick a subject and stick to it.Find something that you love and write about it. Well, I think I’m awesome, but I was just told to not write about myself.So, what else do I love? Bacon.Look forward to lots of posts about bacon.

3.  Confusing Your First Time Visitors

This is actually really good advice here, and a universal truth.It only takes a few seconds for others to form an impression of you, and you want to make it a favorable one.To ensure that you make a good impression, I here add my own advice on a few other things to avoid: Don’t begin your blog at 3:30 am during a bout of insomnia brought about by withdrawal from your anti-depressant medication.Don’t ask your readers to send you money.Don’t call them bitches immediately following said request for money.

4.  Not Paying Due Attention to your “About Me”page

Let’s be honest: my primary audience here currently exists of only my friend Jess –and she already “gets me.”I have not yet added any details to my profile for this page, either, so I imagine I should include some information about myself now. Let me begin with my youth …

When I was age twelve, a lot of my friends began dating.I didn’t have a boyfriend, and this made me feel like a loser.So, what did I do to remedy the situation?I made up an imaginary boyfriend, of course.He lived out of town, and his name was “Andy.”Once my mother bought me a necklace with a heart pendant on it, and I told everyone Andy had bought it for me.Having a fake boyfriend made me pretty cool.

When I was age fifteen, a lot of my friends started doing drugs.I just said no, but peer pressure once again made me feel like a loser.So, I filled a piece of notebook paper with some lawn weeds, rolled it up to look like a joint, and burnt it at the edge with a lighter I found in the kitchen junk drawer.Later, I brought this item to school and told my friends I had a “doobie” in my backpack. I was a total bad ass … and a complete idiot.

When I was age seventeen, I had my first real kiss. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel like a loser about the lateness of this event. What most novels had led me to believe would be a magical moment was rather disappointing; it was just wet and messy.I told my boyfriend, “Hmmm …that was really slobbery.”He replied, “That’s the way it’s supposed to be.You just don’t know because you’ve never kissed anyone before.”By the way, he was wrong about the way kissing was meant to be.

5.  Writing Like Your High School English Teacher

So, if I didn’t stop reading after this author’s first bit of advice, I really should end it all right here when she says not to write like your high school English teacher.Given that I am a high school English teacher, I’m totally fucked in this blog business. Wait.I would never write“totally fucked” in anything distributed in the classroom, so I might still be okay according to this web advice.And, you know what else … screw you, lady, for making the assumption that all teachers are rigid, dry, and dull. That’s stereotyping, and that is so not cool.

6.  Not Embracing Social Media

I have been on Facebook since its inception, when it was basically created just to check out chicks on campus.I was a non-trad at this time when it was initially available only to university students.I didn’t have a lot of facebook “friends”then, as I was older and no longer as attractive as I was at age twenty.Also, I was not a whore.I refuse to twitter because I think it’s a vapid site created for individuals who believe they’re far more important than they actually are.Yes, I acknowledge I’m a hypocrite because I’m writing a blog about myself where I publically declare that I am both “fascinating” and “awesome.”I did, however, add the pinterest app yesterday, and in fact used it to pin this article when I began my blog around 3 a.m. So, am I good with this piece of advice?

And finally ….

7.  Ignoring Other Bloggers

I read about Beyoncé –the giant metal rooster. Yes, I know that technically Beyoncé is a rooster, not a chicken. I’m all set.