Sunday, November 11, 2012

I Like Your Face


If you have been following me, you know that, much to my dismay, I have been listening to Radio Disney lately.  It was on this station that I encountered a new pick-up line courtesy of Bridgit Mendler of Good Luck Charlie fame.  In her new single, “Ready or Not,” Bridgit sings, “I like your face. Do you like my song?”

I like your face.  Maybe I haven’t remained as hip as I believe because “I like your face” is a new line for me.  I can’t imagine going up to an attractive young male (in my youth – before I was married and a mother) and stating “I like your face” to have this comment lead to an engaging conversation and romantic relationship. 

Mendler’s line led to a conversation with my current spouse about pick-up lines we either heard or used in the past.  I recall the first time I heard an actual “line,” which wasn’t until my freshmen year of college.  I was walking down the hall of my dormitory and heard the chunky male behind me ask, “Did it hurt?”  At first, I ignored him.  I hadn’t tripped.  I didn’t stumble as I was walking, so he couldn’t possibly have been talking to me, right?  Then he repeated himself, “Did it hurt?”
 
 

I turned around with a look of confusion and annoyance on my face, “What?”

He asked this same question once again, “Did it hurt?”

Like I said, I didn’t trip, stumble, or fall in the hallway, so I returned his question with one of my own, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

He looked defeated, but still continued, “When you fell from heaven.”

I must have given him the nastiest look I could possibly muster because then he stammered out, “Uhm …. Uhh … Nevermind.  I was reading this book and I … uhm … nevermind.”

I’m sure the situation would look incredibly awkward had it been captured on film. However, this scene couldn’t possibly beat the expression that must have crossed my dear friend Angie’s face when she was once told by a male customer, while working the Hardee’s drive-thru in high school, “Baby … you is finer than a new set of snow tires!” That one was a fail.

My husband and I share a mutual friend who always failed miserably when attempting to pick up women.  One time, standing outside the dorm, an attractive girl walked past.  He simply presented the following question to her, “Who the fuck are you?” and was crushed when she did not respond positively.

On a different occasion, we were out at the bars together, and an attractive girl again walked by him.  He stopped her and said, “Hey, where you going?”  When she replied “home,” he returned, “With me?”  She rolled her eyes in absolute disgust and kept on walking.  We lacked any sympathy and all just laughed hysterically at him.

Despite making fun of our mutual friend’s failings, my husband (when he was just my friend) was an incredibly shy individual.  He didn’t even attempt to flirt with any women.  Because I always thought he was a wonderful, kind person (one I just wasn’t interested in dating at the time), I often expressed my concern for his ability to find a nice woman given his shyness.  Once, when I tried encouraging him to talk to women he didn’t know, he said, “C’mon. Really? You know me, Angela.  What am I supposed to say? Uhm … wanna come over by me and share some moments of awkward silence?”

He was pathetic, but I’m damn glad for that today because now that loser is my loving husband and father of our two amazing children. 

 

Leave the best pick-up lines you have ever heard (or used) in the comments!

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious, as usual! When I was working the McDonald's front counter at 17, a 40ish man said "Nice headlights" to me instead of "I'll have the Big Mac combo". Um, OK you fucking pedophile. How exactly was he expecting me to respond?

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    1. Gross! I worked as a "bar whore" (shot girl) one night when I was around age twenty-one. I had a guy come up to me and say, "I would like to eat your pussy." Good to know, sir. What was I suppose to say? Yuck! So, yeah, I worked one night -- that was it.

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  2. Someone once told me they wanted to fertilize my eggs. Seriously. This post had me rolling. Especially asking who the f are you? Here's a link to a similar post I wrote about these scuzzballs and pick up lines.... http://zannahbrown.blogspot.com/2012/04/beware-scuzz.html?m=1

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  3. This was a hilarious post. Your poor friend. I was ALWAYS bad at pick up lines. I heard one once delivered to my 15 year old daughter at a Bears game by a guy in his 20's. He was drunk and said "You look phat in those pants." (meaning hot I guess). She replied, "Huh?" and he responded, "I said, do you want to dance?" Wacky, weird world!

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