Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Keeping it Real with DMX


Recently, a student and I had a discussion about DMX and the illuminati.  I later discovered that DMX was performing at an event I was attending.  The organizers must have desired an artist whose career was “dead” to headline the Zombie Pub Crawl.  Oddly, I was excited to see this hard-core rapper. One would have thought I was DMX’s biggest fan, hands in the air “like I just don’t care,” singing “y’all can suck my dick.” 
But, DMX disappointed a lot of folks.  Many were ready to tell DMX to suck their undead dicks for showing up 90 minutes late and performing only a 30 minute set. 

Screw DMX.

TOTAL BULL-SHIT.

WTF?

Fuck DMX – that washed –up drug addict.

Who does he think he is?

The above is  a sampling of hundreds of irate comments from the zpc stream.  Yes --someone asked, “Who does he think he is?”  I would reply with another question, “Who do you think he is?  He’s mother fucking DMX; he’s not exactly the most upstanding citizen in the world.    Are you not aware of his reputation?“

Here’s a quick lesson: DMX was charged with animal cruelty, disorderly conduct, and possession, after officers found a loaded pistol, 13 pit bulls, and six crack pipes in his home.  Later, he was arrested for stealing a vehicle, and identifying himself as an FBI agent.  So, really, you’re surprised? 

DMX lacked proper manners on stage; there’s another shocker.  He announced, “Boy – you all  a bunch of ugly mother fuckers.  I wouldn’t fuck her, I wouldn’t fuck her, oooh … I definitely wouldn’t fuck you girl.”  In his defense, we were all dressed like zombies so it probably would have been fucked up if he did have a hard-on.

I pulled my friends closer to the stage. “C’mon, guys,” I yelled, “Let’s get  up in there! DMX wants to see me!”  At that point in the evening, I fully believed this with all my heart. 
 
Then someone in the crowd threw something on stage. To this, DMX stated, “Another one of you fuckers wants to throw something  and I’m gonna come down there and kick your ass, faggot.”  My friend and I looked at one another, shaking our heads in disapproval of this homophobic slur.
His performance soon ended, but my time with DMX was not over. “I gotta go talk to DMX,” I announced to my friend.  “No, no, you don’t,” she adamantly tried to convince me otherwise.  I snuck past the gates and approached the back of the stage.  A large security guard stopped me and told me to turn around.  I told him DMX wanted to talk to me.  I was so sincere in this and honestly believed what I was saying.

DMX made his way off the stage, and I winked and pointed at him,  “Hey, DMX, you wanna see me, right?” 

The guard was shaking his head negatively and trying to push me back, but DMX said, “Get on over here honey.”  I don’t know why this made me immensely happy, but I beamed and bounced over in my red tutu, visible black panties, and “Zombie Bitch from Hell” tee. This apparel probably helped because truth is I have an ass that is quite popular with the African American male community.

So, DMX invited me over and embraced me in a warm hug. 
“Hey DMX," I said, “I gotta tell you why we need to talk.  See, I lost my teaching job due to fucking Scott Walker.”

“Scott Walker? Who’s Scott Walker?” DMX questioned.  I know you’re wildly surprised that DMX is not educated enough in politics to recognize this name.

One of the security guards answered,  “He’s the governor of Wisconsin.  He’s an ass."

I gave that guy a high-five, and  continued, “Yeah, he’s the governor, but he didn’t even graduate from college.”

“Dude didn’t graduate from college and he wants to run a state?” questioned DMX in genuine disbelief and disgust.

“He is running it,” I replied, “He even won a recall election.”

“Well, that shit ain’t right,” DMX said, shaking his head.  I had underestimated DMX, judging him on his reputation, but even DMX knew that education should be valued.

“Anyway, we’re gonna get off track here, DMX,” I continued, “So, you see, because I lost my job I work part-time now as a para and my new students told me you never committed any of those crimes you’ve been convicted of, and the illuminati is framing you.”

Fuck. I have big balls.  Also – what is wrong with me?

“Oh, I don’t know nothing about no illuminati.  I don’t want to talk about no illuminati.”

I did, so I went on to tell DMX everything I had recently learned. He endured this for a while, and then interrupted,  “You want a hug, sweetie?  You a sweet girl.”  He gave me another big hug, and kissed me on the cheek.
Then, DMX asked me if I loved the Lord.  I said I surely do.  He showed me the “Jesus Saves” tattoo on his wrist.  Then I got to it – the reason I felt most compelled to talk to DMX .  “This brings me to the point I wanted to make.  I  need to tell you one more thing. You're telling me you love Jesus, and Jesus wants you to love everyone, and we shouldn't judge others, so it’s not cool to use the word ‘faggot.’”

“Well, see, now you judging me!” he said, his voice slightly rising in anger.  “I don’t mean ‘faggot’ like you gay; I mean ‘faggot’ like you an asshole.  You know? I got no problem with the gays! I got an uncle that’s straight gay!”

After this, there was more hugging before I returned to my friends.  I got high-fives from everyone we met as my friend bragged about my exchange with DMX, but the police officer we spoke with asked, “Why did you  talk to that dude? He’s an egotistical prick.”  Again, he’s mother fucking DMX.  What did you expect?  

 

 

 

Resources: http://crime.about.com/od/famousdiduno/ig/mugshots_rap_hip_rb/DMX-Mugshot.htm

24 comments:

  1. I loved your conversation with DMX. But what most hit home was your butt. Cause I have also been told I have a fine buttfor a white girl. They all got flat ones but mm hmm not me. Haha. I have been told this a few times. However, it was kinda awkward when one of my students told me so. But whatver. Take any compliment you can get.

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  2. Yeah, I've had students make comments a few times too. I always walk away quick and pretend that I have not heard them. Creepy weird kids!

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  3. Stop...drop... shut em down open up shop...
    Oh no....that's how the ruff riders roll....lol. loved this story!

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  4. I know DMX exists, but really, besides that, I have no clue. He sounds like he's really something. Good for you for saying what you did.

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  5. Awesome! I love that you hung out with DMX :D

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  6. You are my motherfucking hero. You have balls of iron. I would have probably shanked him for the publicity.

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  7. I love that you called out DMX on the gay thing. It's the only time I turn the volume on my gangsta rap down. Although I'm not surprised he didn't say, "Why yes, I'd never thought of that and I'll change my hurtful ways."

    Ain't nothing y'all can do, now.

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  8. Is it okay that I have a girl crush on you because that tutu is the bomb and your attitude rocks? I'll admire from afar. Don't worry!

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    1. Totally okay! Congrats on your yeah write win this week. It was well-deserved. It's good to let others know they are not alone.

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  9. I have to admit that when I read DMX and Illuminati I thought this had something to do with dirt biking and "The DaVinci Code."

    My age and cluelessness aside, this was hysterical. You truly do have balls of steel.

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    1. Ha! When my students were first telling me about the illuminati and the rap industry, I asked, "You mean like Dan Brown illuminati?" So, I was clueless too. And, they mean the same society.

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  10. Next time I have a tiff with someone, ANYONE, I'm going to say,'Hey, don't fuck with me. I have a friend that got all up in DMX's shit. Don't make me call her on you for letting your cats shit in my yard, because that's how rough riders roll."

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    1. Correction: Ruff Ryders -- I have to school you in rap once again. But, really, the only "rap" I actually own is a few Outkast and Beastie Boys CDs.

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  11. I am in tears here. You are one bad ass for telling the straight dope to DMX. Great panties too, by the way.

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  12. Ha, I'm so clueless, I thought this was going to be about stunt bikes! Then I realized this was a person and I got a letter wrong :)

    You have balls, for sure. I love it! What a great story.

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  13. This story is hillarious. Thanks for not making me feel bad when I cuss in my Yeah Write blogs!

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    1. Thanks -- and you're welcome. This story required cussing, especially because a lot of it was repeating what DMX said. I don't curse like this around my family. :)

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  14. That took some serious cojones to do, great job for getting past security and actually making him think.

    Also, you can tell DMX is a genius when he said "I got an uncle that’s straight gay!”. Um, OK so is he straight or is he gay?

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    1. Thanks. I think he just missed a word and might have meant "straight up gay." Ha!

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  15. Wow, you have some serious guts and chutzpah! And that tutu rocks.

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  16. This is a good start for break out writing. In a few years you may get noticed. I would work more on detail. You should have grabbed someones by the balls to make this story more believable. Just because you use the word "FUCK" does not make you cooooooool..girly girl.

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    1. I'm confused -- what do you mean make the story more believable? It's a true story. Furthermore, I am not trying to be "cool" and don't appreciate the term "girly girl" when I'm a woman in her thirties who has lived through plenty of shit. There is a difference between constructive criticism and self-righteousness. Remember that whole "play nice" rule at yeah write? I think you might have missed that. Regarding details, I had to remove alot to make this story fit the 1,000 word count submission rule.

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  17. Ha, what an awesome story! You are brave. I love it!

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