I have been more excited for this Christmas than I have in
years. I know this is because my
daughter is now two and old enough to understand Christmas. Every single time she sees an image of Santa
Claus on the television or adorning someone’s front yard, she points and
smiles, proudly labeling this jolly old man: “Santa.” After announcing his presence, she begins to
repeat, “Ho. Ho. Ho.” Her enthusiasm for
the season is simply infectious, and I have made every attempt to rev it up
even more. Therefore, I have been
listening almost exclusively to the all Christmas music station – Holly – on XM whenever Emily is in the
vehicle with me.
I have learned a number of things from this frequent
listening to holiday tunes. To begin, no
one – no one – really thinks the
fucking Chipmunks are cute. Somewhere
along the line we must have been brainwashed to believe kids enjoy that squeaky,
obnoxious shit, so we keep on listening to Alvin, Simon, and Theodore sing holiday
tunes. I believed it, so I turned it up
when one of their mousy melodies came on, and said, “Emily, listen to the
chipmunks sing. Isn’t it silly?” I glanced back and smiled at her, and she had
the most disgusted expression on her face, like she was really questioning my
interest in such irritating music, much like the countenance that crosses my
face when I see women wearing Ugg boots in July – or at all.
I have also learned that people tend to make very rash
decisions during the holiday season. For
example, in “Winter Wonderland,” the couple suddenly decides to get married and
allows a snowman to proceed over said ceremony.
That’s not romantic; that’s ridiculous.
I hope that the tooth fairy will be around in a few months to grant them
a divorce. In “Last Christmas,” the
singer laments, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you
gave it away. This year, to save me from
tears, I’ll give it to someone special.”
Now, why the fuck would you give your heart to someone not special in
the first place, you fool? That’s just
damn stupid. You don’t fall in love
because of mistletoe, folks.
The worst lyrics, though, are found in “Baby, it’s Cold
Outside.” Have you ever closely listened
to this song? Damn, I guess nothing says Christmas like a sweet little ditty
about potential date rape. I imagine we’re
expected to believe the woman is just being coy and this banter back and forth
is charming, but when Colbie Caillat recently covered this tune, she added “I don’t
trust you” to the very end of this song.
I wouldn’t trust him either.
Listen more closely next time, and you’ll notice the female duet partner
asks, “Say, what’s in this drink?” Once
I recognized this, I have been unable to shake the image of the Family Guy character Glenn Quagmire’s “roofie
colada.” Bitch, you better just wrap
your scarf a little tighter and brave the weather because you’re being
serenaded by a bad, bad man.
If I want to enjoy my Christmas music in the future I either
need to listen less carefully or steer entirely clear of pop music. I know “Away in a Manger” and “The First Noel”
are safe bets. Even seemingly sweet
children’s songs like “Frosty the Snowman” could be interpreted as a song about
a predatory monster that only the children know comes to life because, you
know, Frosty told them to keep it a secret from the adults. Sometimes I wish my mind didn’t work this
way. Nonetheless, I wish you all a very
magical holiday season. Just promise me
there will be no weddings attended by chipmunks and governed by a magical
snowman.
you crack my shit up. thank you. :)
ReplyDeletei just wish i had volume to listen to the song.
And even more reason not to listen to Christmas music during the season.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, because it's spammed so much the only stuff I can tolerate is the ones without lyrics.