Monday, December 3, 2012

I Wasted my Weekend: A Movie Review


I am going to begin this post by declaring that I was still feeling sick this weekend with cold symptoms, so I spent a lot of time just sitting on the couch.  Okay, now comes the guilty, embarrassing confession part.  While I was sitting on the couch feeling miserable, I watched a shit ton of cheesy Hallmark channel holiday movies.  I watched Naughty or Nice, Annie Claus is Coming to Town, and Hitched for the Holidays (starring Joey Lawrence!).  As these were all created especially for television, you can imagine their grandeur.  I am thankful that I also was able to catch Elf over at ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas.
When both Hallmark and ABC Family were playing Christmas films I have already watched this year (and it was only the second day of December), I had to do some channel surfing and ended up at Lifetime.  This is where I found the holiday gem The Christmas Consultant, which I now review for you so that you don’t waste two hours of your life, or feel compelled to blow your brains out watching this god awful shit. 
David Hasselhoff stars as “Owen” in "The Christmas Consultant" Let me begin with a brief synopsis of this film.  In what Lifetime describes as a “light-hearted comedy” (don’t believe them; you’ll be severely depressed after watching this crap), a workaholic couple with four children (Lifetime describes them as “quirky,” but I think they all need counseling) hires a Christmas Consultant to help them get through the holidays.  Caroline Rhea stars as the workaholic mother who ends up regretting her decision to hire a consultant. I deeply hope that Caroline Rhea also regrets her decision to be in this film; I trust it helped her with the mortgage or something because it sure as hell didn’t help with her acting portfolio.  I’ve saved the best part of this quick summary of the film for last: The star of this film, the Christmas Consultant himself, is none other than the spectacular, accomplished, acclaimed actor David Hasselhoff.  That’s right my friends, the Hof is here to save the holidays! But Rhea becomes disenchanted with Hasselhoff when the family ends up falling for him, and ignoring her efforts. 

At one point in the film, Hasselhoff proudly shares that he hears Christmas carols playing in his head 24 hours a day.  The tween and teen children of the household laugh hysterically at this and find the Hof endearing.  C’mon! I work with teenagers.  They would be calling that man a douche-bag, not laughing and giving hugs.  If Lifetime wanted me to buy into the fact that these children are charmed by Hasselhoff’s wild antics, they should have classified the film as a fantasy.  In addition to being a douche, turns out Hasselhoff’s character is also a liar, and everyone knows how much I hate liars after once marrying one. 
David Hasselhoff stars as “Owen” in The Christmas Consultant
Throughout this movie, I was yelling at the television “C’mon!” at all the scenes that were just so unbelievable and terribly acted.  When the Hoff started a snowball fight to cheer up a grumpy, exhausted Rhea, I screamed, “Oh, C’mon now! They’re all smiling and joining in.  She’s still in her work clothes.  This man needs to be fired.  Fuck this movie!”  So, while it still was playing, I did begin to do other tasks around the home, and never found out if the movie ends up being worth it in the end.  I feel fairly confident declaring it sucked all the way through, and I read something about the Hoff’s character hooking up with a crazy cat-lady at the end, so I feel affirmed in my analysis that this movie is a fucking disaster.

Several times, I seriously wondered if David Hasselhoff’s character was supposed to be played as though he had special needs.  I know this is an insult to a community of bright, brave individuals, but it’s the truth.  Further, I wonder if the Hof himself (in real life) might have some special needs.  I mean, really, why is this man so famous?  I think it may be part of some Make-A-Wish plan.  That would explain a few other actors too, like Denise Richards and Kristen Stewart. I have often wondered if Stewart has Asperger’s syndrome because she behaves very similarly to the individuals I know with this diagnosis (not kidding). 
Regardless, my final review of the Christmas Consultant is two thumbs down – way down.  Seriously, it really wasn’t even worth it just to make fun of the Hof.  If you want to do that, just look up that sloppy hamburger eating and drunk ranting clip on YouTube.  Finally, on Lifetime’s homepage for this film, there’s a section that states: “If you liked the Christmas Consultant, try these other films: Dear Santa, Undercover Christmas, and Christmas Angel.”  I would suggest you avoid these too.

10 comments:

  1. I can't even tell you how much I love this movie review. I'm so sorry you wasted this hour and a half of your life just so I could laugh my ass of this afternoon, but I am grateful you did!!


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  2. Really, Hasselhoff? I'm glad to know this and so very pleased to have had a great laugh just now! AND your observation about Stewart...

    I love Elf. I will watch any snippet I can catch!

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    1. Me too -- Love Elf, I mean. And smiling. I love smiling. Smiling is my favorite. I hope you got that. I know movie lines.

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  3. Your review had me laugh my ass off.

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  4. I think you should do more movie reviews. Have you ever seen The Road Warrior?

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  5. Was KITT in it? That would have made it worth it. Maybe.

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  6. All I can pictures is Hasselhoffwearing a Santa hat jogging down the beach with his man boobs bouncing.

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    1. Well -- thanks for that image! Eee-gad!

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