I am going to begin this post by declaring that I was still
feeling sick this weekend with cold symptoms, so I spent a lot of time just
sitting on the couch. Okay, now comes
the guilty, embarrassing confession part.
While I was sitting on the couch feeling miserable, I watched a shit ton
of cheesy Hallmark channel holiday movies.
I watched Naughty or Nice, Annie Claus is Coming to Town, and Hitched for the Holidays (starring Joey
Lawrence!). As these were all created
especially for television, you can imagine their grandeur. I am thankful that I also was able to catch Elf over at ABC Family’s 25 Days of
Christmas.
When both Hallmark and ABC Family were playing Christmas
films I have already watched this year (and it was only the second day of
December), I had to do some channel surfing and ended up at Lifetime. This is where I found the holiday gem The Christmas Consultant, which I now
review for you so that you don’t waste two hours of your life, or feel
compelled to blow your brains out watching this god awful shit.
Let me begin with a brief synopsis of this film. In what Lifetime describes as a “light-hearted
comedy” (don’t believe them; you’ll be severely depressed after watching this
crap), a workaholic couple with four children (Lifetime describes them as “quirky,”
but I think they all need counseling) hires a Christmas Consultant to help them
get through the holidays. Caroline Rhea
stars as the workaholic mother who ends up regretting her decision to hire a
consultant. I deeply hope that Caroline Rhea also regrets her decision to be in
this film; I trust it helped her with the mortgage or something because it sure
as hell didn’t help with her acting portfolio.
I’ve saved the best part of this quick summary of the film for last: The
star of this film, the Christmas Consultant himself, is none other than the spectacular,
accomplished, acclaimed actor David Hasselhoff.
That’s right my friends, the Hof is here to save the holidays! But Rhea
becomes disenchanted with Hasselhoff when the family ends up falling for him,
and ignoring her efforts.
At one point in the film, Hasselhoff proudly shares that he
hears Christmas carols playing in his head 24 hours a day. The tween and teen children of the household
laugh hysterically at this and find the Hof endearing. C’mon! I work with teenagers. They would be calling that man a douche-bag,
not laughing and giving hugs. If
Lifetime wanted me to buy into the fact that these children are charmed by
Hasselhoff’s wild antics, they should have classified the film as a
fantasy. In addition to being a douche,
turns out Hasselhoff’s character is also a liar, and everyone knows how much I
hate liars after once marrying one.
Throughout this movie, I was yelling at the television “C’mon!”
at all the scenes that were just so unbelievable and terribly acted. When the Hoff started a snowball fight to
cheer up a grumpy, exhausted Rhea, I screamed, “Oh, C’mon now! They’re all
smiling and joining in. She’s still in
her work clothes. This man needs to be
fired. Fuck this movie!” So, while it still was playing, I did begin
to do other tasks around the home, and never found out if the movie ends up
being worth it in the end. I feel fairly
confident declaring it sucked all the way through, and I read something about
the Hoff’s character hooking up with a crazy cat-lady at the end, so I feel
affirmed in my analysis that this movie is a fucking disaster.
Several times, I seriously wondered if David Hasselhoff’s
character was supposed to be played as though he had special needs. I know this is an insult to a community of
bright, brave individuals, but it’s the truth.
Further, I wonder if the Hof himself (in real life) might have some
special needs. I mean, really, why is
this man so famous? I think it may be part
of some Make-A-Wish plan. That would
explain a few other actors too, like Denise Richards and Kristen Stewart. I
have often wondered if Stewart has Asperger’s syndrome because she behaves very
similarly to the individuals I know with this diagnosis (not kidding).
Regardless, my final review of the Christmas Consultant is two thumbs down –
way down. Seriously, it really wasn’t
even worth it just to make fun of the Hof.
If you want to do that, just look up that sloppy hamburger eating and
drunk ranting clip on YouTube. Finally, on
Lifetime’s homepage for this film, there’s a section that states: “If you liked
the Christmas Consultant, try these
other films: Dear Santa, Undercover Christmas, and Christmas Angel.” I would suggest you avoid these too.
I can't even tell you how much I love this movie review. I'm so sorry you wasted this hour and a half of your life just so I could laugh my ass of this afternoon, but I am grateful you did!!
ReplyDeleteReally, Hasselhoff? I'm glad to know this and so very pleased to have had a great laugh just now! AND your observation about Stewart...
ReplyDeleteI love Elf. I will watch any snippet I can catch!
Me too -- Love Elf, I mean. And smiling. I love smiling. Smiling is my favorite. I hope you got that. I know movie lines.
DeleteYour review had me laugh my ass off.
ReplyDeleteI think you should do more movie reviews. Have you ever seen The Road Warrior?
ReplyDeleteNo. Is the Hof in that?
DeleteWas KITT in it? That would have made it worth it. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteMaybe ... but highly doubtful.
DeleteAll I can pictures is Hasselhoffwearing a Santa hat jogging down the beach with his man boobs bouncing.
ReplyDeleteWell -- thanks for that image! Eee-gad!
Delete