#ChristmasStress is trending on twitter. In between their shopping and baking,
billions of twitter users have still apparently found the time to bitch about
the holidays to a world of folks that don’t really give a shit. People are still complaining about Black
Friday madness, the difficulty of buying presents for boys, and the detangling
of outdoor lights. Black Friday got you
pulling out your hair? Here’s an idea:
don’t shop that day! And so what if your neighbor’s holiday lights are better
than yours? Is there a cash prize being
awarded on your block? If not, relax and
avoid that Christmas stress you feel it necessary to tweet about.
Unfortunately, for as much as we all bitch about it, I think
the majority of Americans love the holiday stress. Misery loves company, right? What brings two co-workers together more than
complaining about the mother-in-law’s deathly fruit cake? I have tried to make
a point of doing only what I want at the holidays. I like buying gifts; I like seeing someone’s
face light up when they unwrap a present I selected for them. However, I sometimes don’t find the perfect
gift and so I just don’t bother. My best
friend and I have been exchanging gifts since the fifth grade. Some years she gets a present from me, and
some years she doesn’t. I don’t buy her a gift out of obligation; I
buy her a gift when I spot something that speaks to me (like penguins and
reindeer do at Pier 1). If I receive no gift from her this year it won't matter either because, as
cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I already have everything I need for the
holidays right here in my home – my loving husband and adoring children.
Despite having everything I need, I did bravely venture out
on Black Friday this year, although I knew it might generate some of that much tweeted about Christmas stress. I didn’t go
out in my hometown either – there were no door-busting deals at the Ben
Franklin that I know of. We were
visiting family in a larger city – a city with a mall (big time stuff given
where I live). We avoided the mall like the plague, though, and also steered clear of all major chain stores like Wal-Mart and Target. I wasn’t in search of one specific
super deal like a flat screen TV for $99.00 or Crock Pot for only $4.99. I didn’t
need any $1.00 DVDs or fucking half-price Fidget Friends or Furbies (Why are furbies
back?!?).
In fact, I must boast that I actually had the majority of my
Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.
Given this, the primary reason I had to go shopping was because I was
down to two bottles of wine. Two
bottles! Therefore, my first stop was to
the World Market. I left the store
having made zero purchases for friends or family members, and 12 bottles of
wine for myself. You want to know how to
make it through the holidays this year?
Do it the Not Appropriate Angela way – sleigh bells and shit loads of
red wine.
After the purchase of wine, although I had not actually
consumed any, I felt confident and brave enough to venture to Toys R Us to see
if there were any super values for my children.
Okay, I got annoyed as fuck with the crowds there and left with only one
item: an aqua doodle. My daughter needs
this so that she stops giving herself face tats (this is what I call it when she
draws on her cheeks). Although no great bargains were found because I lack
patience, I am immensely glad that we stopped at Toys R Us as I overheard one
of the best conversations ever.
“Mommy,” the little boy in the aisle next to me said while
tugging at his mother’s winter coat, “This year, for Christmas I’m going to
tell Santa Claus our house burnt down so I can get lots of extra toys.”
His mother looked back at him, appalled, and said, “Honey,
that’s really not a nice thing to do.”
“Don’t worry, Mom,” he confidently replied, “I’m just
telling Santa. I won’t tell Jesus.”
So, go ahead my friends and get through this holiday season
with Merlot, Cabernet, and Shiraz instead of holly and berries. Don’t
worry. I won’t tell Jesus that Christmas
time makes you consume a bit more wine, and Santa clearly can’t judge you on
overindulgences (as he approaches Diabetes with his cookie consumption). Stop tweeting about
your Christmas stress and simply start pouring the twelve wines of Christmas. Merry Christmas to all and to all a fine wine!
The Twelve Wines of Christmas: Revised Christmas Carol
Do you think I can get Micheal Buble to sing this shit?
Ha! That little boy has it down! But don't forget...Jesus did change water into wine AFTER all the other wine had already been consumed...
ReplyDeleteHey, Ginny Marie has a point. You're right, though. I think most people create the holiday stress for themselves; I know I do. I need to be more laidback and sip gin and juice like Snoop Dogg.
ReplyDelete"sleigh bells and shit loads of red wine." That's how I roll too. Actually, I'm doing far better there this year but could be because I don't have kids at home. AND the things kids come up with just cracks me up!
ReplyDeletethat little boy did not say that! :)
ReplyDeleteI love your sense of humor. I stayed far away from Black Friday madness!
ReplyDeleteHahahhaa 12 wines of christmas is GENIUS madam.
ReplyDeleteMy Black Friday Tweet said "If the wine store had held a #BlackFriday sale, I would have considered camping out."
ReplyDeleteLove the video!