Monday, December 3, 2012

The Twelve Wines of Christmas


#ChristmasStress is trending on twitter.  In between their shopping and baking, billions of twitter users have still apparently found the time to bitch about the holidays to a world of folks that don’t really give a shit.  People are still complaining about Black Friday madness, the difficulty of buying presents for boys, and the detangling of outdoor lights.  Black Friday got you pulling out your hair?  Here’s an idea: don’t shop that day! And so what if your neighbor’s holiday lights are better than yours?  Is there a cash prize being awarded on your block?  If not, relax and avoid that Christmas stress you feel it necessary to tweet about. 

Unfortunately, for as much as we all bitch about it, I think the majority of Americans love the holiday stress.  Misery loves company, right?  What brings two co-workers together more than complaining about the mother-in-law’s deathly fruit cake? I have tried to make a point of doing only what I want at the holidays.  I like buying gifts; I like seeing someone’s face light up when they unwrap a present I selected for them.  However, I sometimes don’t find the perfect gift and so I just don’t bother.  My best friend and I have been exchanging gifts since the fifth grade.  Some years she gets a present from me, and some years she doesn’t.   I don’t buy her a gift out of obligation; I buy her a gift when I spot something that speaks to me (like penguins and reindeer do at Pier 1).  If I receive no gift from her this year it won't matter either because, as cheesy and clich√© as it sounds, I already have everything I need for the holidays right here in my home – my loving husband and adoring children. 

Despite having everything I need, I did bravely venture out on Black Friday this year, although I knew it might generate some of that much tweeted about Christmas stress.  I didn’t go out in my hometown either – there were no door-busting deals at the Ben Franklin that I know of.  We were visiting family in a larger city – a city with a mall (big time stuff given where I live).  We avoided the mall like the plague, though, and also steered clear of all major chain stores like Wal-Mart and Target. I wasn’t in search of one specific super deal like a flat screen TV for $99.00 or Crock Pot for only $4.99. I didn’t need any $1.00 DVDs or fucking half-price Fidget Friends or Furbies (Why are furbies back?!?).

In fact, I must boast that I actually had the majority of my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.  Given this, the primary reason I had to go shopping was because I was down to two bottles of wine.  Two bottles!  Therefore, my first stop was to the World Market.  I left the store having made zero purchases for friends or family members, and 12 bottles of wine for myself.  You want to know how to make it through the holidays this year?  Do it the Not Appropriate Angela way – sleigh bells and shit loads of red wine. 
 
My Shopping Cart on Black Friday

After the purchase of wine, although I had not actually consumed any, I felt confident and brave enough to venture to Toys R Us to see if there were any super values for my children.  Okay, I got annoyed as fuck with the crowds there and left with only one item: an aqua doodle.  My daughter needs this so that she stops giving herself face tats (this is what I call it when she draws on her cheeks). Although no great bargains were found because I lack patience, I am immensely glad that we stopped at Toys R Us as I overheard one of the best conversations ever. 

“Mommy,” the little boy in the aisle next to me said while tugging at his mother’s winter coat, “This year, for Christmas I’m going to tell Santa Claus our house burnt down so I can get lots of extra toys.”

His mother looked back at him, appalled, and said, “Honey, that’s really not a nice thing to do.”

“Don’t worry, Mom,” he confidently replied, “I’m just telling Santa.  I won’t tell Jesus.”

So, go ahead my friends and get through this holiday season with Merlot, Cabernet, and Shiraz instead of holly and berries. Don’t worry.  I won’t tell Jesus that Christmas time makes you consume a bit more wine, and Santa clearly can’t judge you on overindulgences (as he approaches Diabetes with his cookie consumption).  Stop tweeting about your Christmas stress and simply start pouring the twelve wines of Christmas.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a fine wine!


video

The Twelve Wines of Christmas: Revised Christmas Carol
Do you think I can get Micheal Buble to sing this shit? 
 


 

 

 

 

8 comments:

  1. Ha! That little boy has it down! But don't forget...Jesus did change water into wine AFTER all the other wine had already been consumed...

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  2. Hey, Ginny Marie has a point. You're right, though. I think most people create the holiday stress for themselves; I know I do. I need to be more laidback and sip gin and juice like Snoop Dogg.

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  3. "sleigh bells and shit loads of red wine." That's how I roll too. Actually, I'm doing far better there this year but could be because I don't have kids at home. AND the things kids come up with just cracks me up!

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  4. that little boy did not say that! :)

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  5. I love your sense of humor. I stayed far away from Black Friday madness!

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  6. Hahahhaa 12 wines of christmas is GENIUS madam.

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  7. My Black Friday Tweet said "If the wine store had held a #BlackFriday sale, I would have considered camping out."

    Love the video!

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