Well, it’s official: Wisconsin is closed today due to the weather. This means that I have the day off of work. Given that I have a day off, I thought it would be the perfect day to feature my first actual guest post (from a real human being – not something I created from my mom’s cat) about Baby Jesus’ day off. As I hope you’re all aware, Baby Jesus has a pretty important day coming up next week (something about a birthday?). Well, apparently, he needed some time away from all the stress of this holiday season too. My dear, dear friend, Melissa, was happy to oblige and ensured that he recently had one hell of a time at Costco. When I saw these pictures on her facebook feed, I begged her to write a guest post for this blog, and once again, she happily obliged. She’s such a dear.
First of all, let me tell you everything Angela writes around here is true. Every frickin’ word of it. I’m one of those friends of hers that go way back. We have been best friends since we were ten and I taught her to swear. I remember the boyfriend with the smiley face. I have sung karaoke with her. I went to that first courthouse wedding and made her a bouquet. I also remember driving home that night and saying to my husband, “She should have married that Sam guy. He’s nice.” More recently, I watched safely from the security barrier while she gave DMX heck for using a derogatory word. I am her adorable daughter’s Godmother. Now I am just bragging. Needless to say, we are Facebook friends so she can enjoy my cute kids and witty banter, and so I can follow her blog. That is where she saw Baby Jesus and his Costco high-jinks.
This might be a good place to mention that I am a Lutheran pastor. This means that I am best buds with Jesus H Christ, and I also have some strong feelings about my Lord and Savior. I have an advanced degree to prove my ability to study everything about him, his dad and that awesome lady we call the Holy Spirit. It is from those many years of study that I have concluded that Jesus was not blonde haired, blue eyed, and fair skinned. Jesus was a brown kid. He probably had a little nappy head and some really deep chocolate eyes. When was the last time you saw Sweet Baby Jesus portrayed in this manner? I’m guessing never. In order to deal with my deep seeded rage over this racial injustice, I like to mess with little white baby Jesus. We won’t even get into how wrong it is when Baby Jesus shows up in the manger before December 24th. It’s called Advent people; look it up. It’s good for what ails you.
With all of this in mind I walked into Costco on November 19th and it was like Christmas had puked all over the place. In the mix was a sweet little crèche scene of Mary and Joseph gazing lovingly into the manger. There he was, in all his SPF 500 light skinned glory: Baby Jesus. He was appropriately dressed in a silver swaddling cloth, and wonderfully unattached. I expected Baby Jesus to be zip tied down to his sleeping quarters so that no one got sticky fingers and walked out with the Savior of the Universe. It was my lucky day. I quickly decided that Baby Jesus needed to see a little more of this crazy town a la Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Baby Jesus first needed what any good adventure needs: a good, fast, hot set of wheels. One would think Baby Jesus might prefer a donkey or maybe in modernity something that resembles the Pope-mobile. I’m here to tell you Baby Jesus drives a royal blue mini-mini cooper. Just like he had a tendency to play fast and loose with Sabbath laws in his days on earth, he also tends to drive it like he stole it. Baby Jesus speeds.
Baby Jesus also is a baller, though he wish he was a little bit taller. As he was cruising the aisles, he saw the awesome indoor bedroom/office basket ball hoop set up. He thought he could take on the big guys from accounting. After a little trash talk and a few dirty thrown elbows, they had had enough. When Baby Jesus tapped into the power of his divinity to start hitting three pointers from half court, they were fed up. Prince of Peace notwithstanding, he ended up with his lily white diapered bottom in the net.
Not one to throw in the towel when the going gets tough, baby Jesus decided maybe round ball wasn’t his game. Don’t all men of a certain stature and age take up golf? He decided to check out the high quality merchandise for a day of walking the links. Sadly, they did not have a set of clubs that met his height requirements, but he did get a really good look at the bags.
Then Baby Jesus got hungry and though he was raised in a strict kosher household, he has never been able to shake his love of bacon. He has to be very careful in his relationship with this tasty meat product though, because many people over the years have crossed the line and have begun to worship bacon as an idol. Few things anger his Big Daddy more than bacon worship.
On his way out of Costco, Baby Jesus stopped by to see his old friend Frosty. They pretty much share a birthday, and so they try to at least have a drink together every year. Baby Jesus was sad after dodging all the crazed shoppers and a little scared by the bastardization of his birthday. Dang, no one even offered him a present. As Frosty is known for, he scooped Baby Jesus up in his arms and cradled him. Eventually, Baby Jesus had to get Frosty to let him go because all that corncob pipe tobacco has really made him reek. Baby Jesus has a touch of the asthma and just can’t take all that smoke. Nothing like getting lectured by the King of Kings over a little habit he picked up in the war.
So before Mary really started to miss him, I quietly tucked Baby Jesus under my arm and snuck back through the aisles. Upon spying his mom and stepdad staring down where they last put him I shrieked, “Mary, Mary; it’s okay! I found your son! He was wandering through the store!” I barely got a sideways glance from the other shoppers and I don’t know if a single employee even made eye contact with me or Baby Jesus. It’s too bad really; he’s a serious party animal. Merry Christmas and God's Blessings.