Tuesday, October 2, 2012

When Cute Becomes Crazy


Last week, my family and I were eating out at McDonalds.  My daughter Emily was delighted in her Happy Meal, shoveling french fries down her gullet in between her happy innocent giggles.  Ketchup was smeared all over her cute little cheeks.  Her father encouraged her, “Eat your nugget meat” because we both refuse to refer to that substance as chicken. 

An elderly couple was sitting near us, peering over at our happy little daughter.   As they exited the establishment, they first approached our booth and handed my nearly two year old daughter one dollar and two dimes.  “That’s for being so cute,” the gray-haired man said, “you just made my day.”

I absolutely love these little kindnesses of strangers.  But, this small gesture also made me contemplate all the cute shit that children can do and be found totally adorb, but the same actions in adults would be deemed slightly insane.
Child = Cute
When babies drool all over their precious faces, it’s usually endearing as can be.  I just might be found saying, “Oh, look at you – you sweet little drool monster.  Aren’t you just a doll?”  For adults, this is a totally different story.  I also could be found complaining, “Fucking gross dude.  Shut your trap, you damn mouth-breather!”
 
When my daughter was stumbling around and falling on her behind while learning to walk, we were quick to get a hold of a camera and record these treasured moments. When I stumble around and fall on my ass (why haven’t you pinned this yet, people?), it usually doesn’t go on record (thank goodness) and my husband might be heard hollering, “Are you kidding me? You cannot be this damn drunk again!”

The majority of my children’s clothing would never be found in the adult section at the nearest Gap store.  For example, I become utterly thrilled with gifts of baby clothes with animals on the ass.  Butt monkey, tiny tiger face, happy bunny, so damn cute you can barely stand it puppy faces – I love all that shit. Seriously …  LOVE.  My son’s sweet little diapered booty is the most wonderful when he’s wearing his tiger on the booty pants.  Somehow I highly doubt that anyone would care to witness me strutting about with a tiger face on my fat ass.  On second thought, I might actually be able to find several interested parties because Craig’s List is a strange, strange place.

You should all also know, for future reference, that pissing your pants is no longer acceptable at a certain age.  That guy you’ve been flirting with all evening, hoping for a random hook-up, will suddenly disappear once you’ve reached this point of intoxication.  Just trust me on this one. 

These maniacal musings of mine led to tonight’s “social experiment.”  How would fast food diners react if I behaved as my daughter did?  Would I get a little pocket change too?  Is it possible for my cute and charming presence to thoroughly make someone’s day? I simply had to know right now, so the family returned to McDonalds. My mom had called right before we left for our meal to inform us that she had cooked up some pork chops, mashed potatoes, and whole wheat rolls.  She invited my family to join her and my father for dinner, but I had to reject her offer because I was determined.  I tried explaining to her that I had to conduct crucial research.  In response, she said, “put your husband on the phone.”
 
After a short silence where I can only imagine she was asking if I was still on my medication, I heard Sam say, “I don’t understand her either, Cindy.  I’m just along for the ride.”  This particular evening the ride began after I filled my cup with cola and took a seat in the McDonald’s booth.  I promptly smeared ketchup on my face and sat there giggling and consuming my certain to lead to a fat ass fries. 

No one gave me a dollar. No one.  However, the baby in the near-by high chair seemed highly entertained by me as he giggled along and pointed my way.  When his mother turned around to see what he was pointing at, she did not appear nearly as impressed.

Mommy = Mental
 
 
The man across from us glanced over, then quickly averted his eyes and leaned in to whisper something to his wife.  I am going to assume that something went a little like this: “What’s wrong with that woman?  Do you think she might be a little slow?  She looks alright, though.  Must be the drugs.  Definitely drugs.”

Two of my students also walked in during my meal.  I smiled as they glided past me, unaware as to whether they actually noticed because their heads were turned down to the text messages on their cell phones.  Apparently, though, one of them must have noticed because I overheard, “OMG. Is that our new study hall teacher?”

Shortly after this, my husband requested, “Okay Angela.  Can you please take this napkin and clean up your face now?” 

I refused by explaining that making note of customer reactions was the most essential element of my experiment.  He is, after all, a science teacher.  He should have been proud, rather than ashamed, of me for doing such devoted work in order to affirm my hypothesis.  Indeed, my assumptions were accurate; shit that is cute on my toddler is just straight crazy on me.

While no fellow patron offered me coinage for my piggy bank or otherwise expressed appreciation of my shenanigans, I did make someone’s day all the same.  Whose day? My day! We should all accept joy whenever and however we find or create it.  So, please join my husband and come along for the ride by following Not Appropriate Angela on facebook.  If you don’t, I will have an all-out, down on the ground, kicking and screaming temper tantrum, and that shit isn’t cute at any age.
 
Baby Tiger Butt = OMG Cutie Patootie!
 
 
Mommy Tiger Butt = WTF Cray-Cray
 
 

You can find my helpful instructions for “how to make an ass tiger” at the same stitching guild link -up I tried to team up with prior to finding my tribe.  I'm hooking up with the lovely folks (who don't discourage my vulgarity; they actually embrace it --- mostly) at yeah write.
 
               
 
 
 
 
 

31 comments:

  1. Hilarious. However, I have noticed that my grandmother dresses like a toddler. All of her outfits have matching tops and bottoms. They also don a flamingo or kitten or some other insanse bullshit. And the pants have elastic waistbands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I have one more kid, I'm going to all elastic waistbands. Don't be hating on that. Elastic waistbands and constant maxi pads because I already have to stop and squeeze my legs when I sneeze.

      Delete
    2. Okay, I have to disclose that I got rid of all my kitty sweaters after watching What Not to Wear. And I had an assload of them.

      I like cats, what can I say? Don't hate. :)

      Delete
  2. Christ! I just noticed how freakishly large my hand looks in the above photo. I am not a mutant; I swear it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My friend was in a class on ethnomethodology once. We took her plunger around the neighbourhood on our errands and tried to sell it to clerks and customers. It was my favourite. I love people and the isolation of social norms.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh wow - I felt totally squirmy and uncomfortable as I laughed uncontrollably at your antics with ketchup. I love that your mother wanted you to have drugs to stay sane, but you figured the whispering people suspected drugs had driven you to ketchup.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha. I hadn't even considered the interesting drug paradox.

      Delete
  5. Seriously, kids are SO LUCKY. No one gave me a dollar for looking cute, either. Whatevs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brave girl. I would venture to say that if you were decades older you would have indeed received some pocket change from kind passersby fearing your retirement benefits were insufficient to cover your medication. But speaking of pocket change I find that part of your story fascinating. Why did those people feel compelled to pay your daughter for her cuteness? If she's that cute you ought to quit your jobs and move to Hollywood and become stage parents. Let her earn her keep. Funny story... I'd like to have lunch with you as I'd be too shy to conduct this experiment on my own.

    ReplyDelete
  7. All dressed up but you still can't take her out...just kidding! I loved this and your insanity! Let's do a partner thing and really freak people out 'cause I love crazy! Too funny the "nugget meal" and the bit about the strange, strange world of Craig's list. Oh, and the stumbling around. Very fun read this morning!

    ReplyDelete
  8. And it ends with bonus! How to Make An Ass Tiger - that little bit of instruction on the end cracked me up.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm totally down for the ass tiger. But I want an ass kitty. Maybe Siamese?

    We could make a bunch of them and sell them on Craigslist! We'll be rich! Rich, I tell you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are so funny! The fact that you would even do such a thing is awesome. Sorry you didn't make any money, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry too. But if I keep eating at McDonalds, I could win their current monolopy game. About eight years ago my brother and I were convinced we were going to win. I was living at home because I had just gotten divorced and he was in highschool. I would pick him up from school and we would stop at the McDonalds drive-thru just to get large fries for Monopoly pieces. We didn't win. Not only did we not win big, we didn't win shit -- like not even a free egg mc'muffin. WTF? For prizes, he got a sore stomach and I got a fat ass. Yahoo!

      Delete
    2. Yeah, so I meant monoPoly .. not monoLopy. I guess that might be fun too.

      Delete
  11. You look so happy with your ketchup-face! This is so spontaneous and insane, plus the bonus tiger -- I don't even know what to say. The world needs more of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I hung my ass tiger on the refrigerator, but then my daughter tore it down and took the eyes off and was walking around with them stuck in her hair. Good thing I have more construction paper and glue! I may need to make another ass animal for the next time I go grocery shopping.

      Delete
  12. This is very, very funny. The ketchup, the tiger, the research. I wish I could have been there. I would have slipped you a dollar for your bravery. You're right - it really isn't fair that drunk looking babies get all the attention and the money.
    Oh, one more thing. The pic of the baby sucking his/her thumb (I wasn't sure of gender and I don't want to assume!) is so adorable it made my uterus ache. My son used to suck his thumb and it was one of my favorite things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's my son in the tiger butt pants. And I love the phrase "it makes my uterus ache." That's quality stuff right there. Thanks for the compliments!

      Delete
  13. This cracked me up!! OMG the ketchup experiment!! Funny!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Guess what? tiger butt. That's what my daughter would say. You are hilarious and I agree with the double standard. How come kids get to do that stuff and we don't?

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was great! I love that you did your research. And I loved how your husband tagged right along. He must be a hoot, too!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wooooooowwww!! That is committed! (I clearly did not say "you should be committed.") I think somewhere around 3-4 we're not cute for doing that stuff anymore. Serious bummer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I don't need to be committed. That comment cracked me up! My ex-husband tried that once; they let me back into the wild!

      Delete
  17. OK, I just love you! I'm so happy you found your way to Yeah Write. This post absolutely made my day. I'm going to go out and find me some joy. We can't let the kids keep it all to themselves, right?

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't do food all over my face because I feel weird with food anywhere but my mouth (I'm a compulsive napkin-user), but I have been known to break it down and dance anywhere and everywhere I hear music. Hubby doesn't mind and the kids don't yet, but my son is 7 and is starting to give me weird looks about it now. Whatevs...

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are too funny! It's so true that we accept a whole lot of stuff from kids that just does not fly with adults!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahahaha! I love this. And your awesome self-acceptance. Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hahaha! We would SO get along in a restaurant. I spill stuff all the time on my chest (no bib to catch it). It's a lovely scene. And no one claps for me!

    ReplyDelete