Thursday, November 21, 2013

An Open Letter to the Men of Online Dating

Thanks to another migraine this month, I currently lack the energy for writing a new post. Luckily, I had a guest post in my back pocket.  This was originally written as a two-part rant on facebook.  When I saw it, I immediately messaged this outgoing gal to ask her if I could combine her rants into a full guest post for my blog.  She was happy to oblige, and I’m very grateful.  You see, my request could have been super awkward given that the following post about the disaster of online dating comes from my former sister-in-law.  Some marriages just don’t work out, and that’s no reason for us to stop enjoying one another’s brilliant wit and humor.  Maybe some worthwhile individual will enjoy her humor here and seek a connection; she sure as hell hasn’t had much luck so far.  So, without further ado, I now present an open letter to the men of online dating:
As a newly single woman, I have been encouraged to try online dating, or what I am now kindly referring to as "selling yourself to the lonely guy with a bad case of swamp ass.” I mean, seriously! Is there anybody comparatively normal out there?  If I have any hope of finding a possible relationship through this service, I need to make a few things clear.  It’s time to listen up guys; I’m talking to you.

Dear 58 year old Geriatric,
NO! Just NO! Don't you have some Depends to change? For the love, I’m 26 years old!
Dear Gamer,
Get your ass off the damn couch. Kindly clean the potato chip sludge off your Minecraft t-shirt and find some non-virtual friends.
Dear Felon,
I’m all about “seeing the light” too; I just don’t want it to be your taillights after you steal all my shit.
Dear guy who's tag line says "good guys finnish last", Maybe it's because you can't spell...that, or you're from Finland.Dear Guy whose tagline says “good guys finnish last,”
Maybe you’re finishing last because you can’t spell … that, or you’re from Finland.

Dear Guy who has a webcam followed by a winky face emoticon,

You're not fooling anyone. Have fun with that carpal tunnel.

Dear 20 year old who's "ready to settle down,”
Go get yourself some ADHD meds. That oughtta settle you down. 
Dear Guy whose introductory tag line reads, “I like to wear cargo pants and shirts with funny sayings,”
Yeah, so does every other virgin.  Next. 
Dear Guy who is holding knives in his profile picture,
That image doesn’t scream “cool” like you had hoped.  It screams “serial killer.”
Dear Former SPED Student,
I’m going to let you down easy.  I know I said I’m a Special Education teacher in my profile, but after five, I wanna be off the clock.
Dear Guy that wishes I lived closer to Milwaukee because you don’t have a car because you “don’t see the need for buying one,”
I’m not buying your story.  TLC said it best, broke son. I don’t want no scrubs.
Dear Guy who doesn’t use a lick of punctuation,
Your letters of professed love are going to piss me off. It will never work.
Dear Guy that called me “thick,”
Is that really intended as a term of endearment? It just makes me want a cheeseburger. Stat.

Dear felon, I'm all about "seeing the light too", I just don't want it to be your tail lights after you kife all my shit.

Dear past special edu student, I'm going to let you down easy. I know I said I was a special edu teacher in my profile but, after 5 I want to be off the clock.

Dear guy that wishes I lived closer to Milwaukee cause you don't have a car because you don't see the need for one, Ain't buying it. You broke son. TLC said it best. I don't want no scrub.

Dear guy who doesn't use a lick of punctuation, Your letters of professed love are just going to piss me off. It'll never work.

Dear guy that calls me "thick", Is that really a term of endearment? Cause it just makes me want a cheeseburger. Stat.

What is this? Craigslist for virgins and morons? I’m out.
With Love, Britt

Actual Dating Site Profile Picture.
You can't make this shit up.


  1. LOL! Oh, I get it even though I've been out of the dating scene for more than 3.5 years now. I would caution you (and others) to not be so quick to judge everyone with the slightest bit of interest but also not be so desperate you'll take just anyone.

    The felon might be honestly remorseful and is working hard to mend his ways. The guy wearing cargo pants might have a kick ass sense of humor. The guy ready to settle down at 20 may just be a bit confused or he may honestly be looking for a real, honest, and long-lasting relationship.You just never know.

    Okay, I'm going to step off my pedestal now and just wish you luck. There are, unfortunately too many weirdos out there. LOL.

  2. Too funny. And why I am constantly telling my husband he can NEVER die before I do.

  3. What are the odds that, just two days ago, I said to a friend of mine, "I think I'm FINALLY ready to start dating again. Maybe I'll try that whole online thing"? I'm gonna go with 100%. Great timing, Angela. Just great. (But dammit, this is hilarious!!)

    1. Yeah. Isn't she funny? I hope she gets a chance to read these comments and respond herself. I wanted to respond to you, though, to say that I have two IRL friends that are now married (one going on seven years) to men they met through match. They're really good guys and great couples. One couple is also expecting their first child now and I could not be happier for them. I'm sure there's normal folks out there somewhere. You just have to sift through the crazies mentioned above. However, as you're a skilled writer, it would sure give you a shit load of material to work with. Silver Linings.

  4. This was amazeballs. The line about stealing and tail lights made me laugh out loud.

  5. Too funny Britt! It always seems like the weirdos are the most eager to put themselves out there.