I feel like a freak admitting this. This revelation may be worse than my spilling secrets post, but it’s true. Yes, I admit it: I am over 75% done with my holiday shopping, and the Christmas presents are already wrapped and hidden. I must be a freak of nature. However, there are no decorations up at my house as I do believe Thanksgiving deserves its own honor prior to tossing up the fir tree. As I was wrapping gifts tonight, my daughter began to tell me what her closest family members want for Christmas. So, family, here is your holiday wish list, according to Emily Jane:
Grandpa John – You want a puppy. This makes sense to me. You already have three dogs, and are still showing my daughter adorable, heart-melting pictures of tea cup terriers and getting her all worked up about a new dog in the house. Shit, Grandpa, you know we already had to replace two bedroom carpets with wood flooring due to the damn dachshund’s bad habits. We can’t afford another puppy right now, so quit getting my girl worked up!
Grandma Cindy – You want a mirror. I find this highly ironic given that you may be the least vain woman I know. I mean, seriously Mom, it’s okay to buy yourself a new pair of jeans more than once every five years. And you don’t have to wear jackets that the bartender at your local hang-out gave to you just because it sat in the Lost & Found for so damn long. You are beautiful, Mom! Emily and I both see this. She must want you to see it too, thus a mirror is actually the perfect gift for you.
|Grandpa Joe's Lamp -- with a Light Bulb Too!|
Grandpa Joe – You want a lamp. Yeah, I wish I had something clever or deeply moving to say about this, but sometimes my daughter is just a damn goofball. I don’t get it. In her generosity, however, she did say you could also have a light bulb in your stocking.
Grandma Terri – You want movies. She knows you, Grandma. This response made perfect sense to me as you often fall asleep in that old comfortable recliner of yours while watching movies. Also, as you are always so kind and generous to us, you did just give us all about five different movies for a Halloween package.
Little Brother Isaac – You want a choo-choo train. I think this response is so sweet, and also demonstrates knowledge of her young sibling. Isaac loves Thomas the Tank Engine, as does his big sister. We were able to ride on Thomas the Tank Engine this summer, and the whole family had a wonderful time. I think this is a thoughtful and endearing gift.
Mommy – I want a wheel. Yeah, WTF kid? Okay, you’re two years old, so not everything you say is going to make sense. Actually, though, I’ve been reminding my husband lately to take my car in and get new tires before the severe winter weather strikes. Perhaps this is just an example of how highly observant my little girl is.
Daddy – Daddy wants a chew bone. Yeah, she’s a funny little girl. She knows she’s funny too. She laughed her little butt off after announcing Daddy wanted a chew bone. Apparently, my husband is a real dog (cheesy joke intended).
Emily – Emily said she wants a Dora the Explorer kitchen. She already owns a Dora the Explorer kitchen. I guess that’s a good deal for me, though. I can just put a bow on that bitch and proclaim Merry Christmas. Sure saves me some money this holiday season.
And a few other mentions …
Cousin Paris wants a telephone.
Aunt Kelly wants some new pants.
Uncle Jared wants some paintbrushes.
Uncle Josh wants a pen.
Uncle Pete wants wine.
Uncle Luke wants a hat.
Darcy, the dog, wants a new ball.
And Aunt Sandy wants a snowflake ornament.
Happy Early Holidays, all!